When I was in 4th grade my teacher kept a butterfly cage in her classroom with Monarch butterflies. They seasonally migrate through the Kansas City area on their way to Mexico and the area naturally has a lot of what they eat called milkweed (looks like a vine w/ pods on it, funny name). I remember during free time in class I would peer into the butterfly cage and observe the caterpillars and small chrysalises. And when it was time, when a butterfly would start to emerge, our entire class crowded together, our faces pressed against the side of the cage and we would watch in childlike wonder.
In February, time stopped for me. The person I was retreated into this container and I wasn’t sure who would emerge or if I’d ever emerge at all.
People have this misconception that butterflies just curl up in a chrysalis, sprout wings and then emerge beautifully some time later all in this seamless magical process. In reality, biology is rarely that clean – but it is that fantastic. Their entire body dissolves into a slimy goo of what they once were. Then slowly, they are remade into something else entirely.
There’s been studies done as to whether butterflies are able to remember memories from when they were caterpillars. In one study, the scientists trained caterpillars to avoid a particular smell by shocking them every time the smell occurred until the caterpillars would avoid the smell all together (talk about trauma). Then they let the caterpillars morph into butterflies and exposed them to the smell again… and they still avoided it! This proved their nervous systems stay in tact even through such radical change.
Isn’t that interesting?
It makes me think about our own bodies, my own metamorphosis. Even though I can feel myself changing in a lot of ways – there are parts of me that remain in tact. Parts that still hold terror, fear, and anxiety; but also memories of sweet nostalgia, love, and connectedness.
I feel like I’ve just emerged. My wings are new and I’m unsteady and the whole world just seems more potent now. Part of me wants to return to the safety of my container and yet as a butterfly, my perspective has fundamentally changed for the better. I can see things from above and I have the freedom to experience the world and the living creatures in it like never before. My flight pattern will likely be erratic for a while, but I have confidence that with practice, I’ll be able to fly steady and true.
To all those who continue to support me on my journey, thank you. <3