I don’t know who i am … by the end of this week I’ve completely lost site of “me”. I think I’m blended into part of AC and part of Darkness.
But I went to go see my other therapist today. And I know for a couple days I’ve been tamping down on feeling… well much of anything. I just left my session and I was….. not doing okay. Darkness’s rage was INTENSE. I had a small panic attack in the car driving home and my vision went blurry for a bit. I just felt the need to break something….I don’t actually know where this is coming from.
Something about Nichole really set her off. I think part of it was not really wanting to be there…we don’t quite feel safe and it’s like shoving me into a scenario I didn’t want in the first place. The questions she kept asking… on “areas of improvement” pissed her off.
There are some aspects about her I like.. I both like and hate that she addresses my parts directly. I only didn’t like it because Darkness felt she hasn’t earned the right to meet her. She hasn’t earned the right to talk to us like she knows us…at all. The familiarity was too close to quickly. In fact we inside thought that was the case on intake… AC spewed her guts out but inside we were like… wtf are you doing AC?
And then there’s the weird way that in front of Ben I’m shy, quiet, demure…submissive. In front of Nichole I’m confident, direct, and today, bordering on angry. Darkness sees Nichole as weak for some reason. It must be a defense mechanism. We don’t like the way she has this look of empathy on her face when I tell her a story… don’t look at me that way… I don’t need your god damn pity. I could crush you. You know what, maybe Ben is right. Maybe this is a perfect model for how young me feels about her parents…. i was submissive around my dad and bordering on angry towards my mom growing up, I viewed her as weak and helpless… and here you go… perfect fucking mirror. Fuck. lol
Right now all I can feel is anger. Rage. I’m at home and I’ve finally taken some migraine medicine but my head is pounding. I was fighting with this migraine erupting for three days …. allowing the pain to just “be”. Parts of me likes that I’ve been in pain… it distracts from the emotional turmoil bubbling within me. But now, after that session, it’s coming on full force – hoping meds kick in soon.
I’ll be okay. But… not sure where I go with new T from here. But I’ve got a sesh with Ben tomorrow we’ll see how it goes.
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Can’t sleep. And now I’m up and my thoughts won’t shut up.. not high anymore and migraine is mostly gone which is an up side. Getting a little fucked up tonight helped with the rage I just wish i knew why I was feeling it low key all week and it erupted tonight. I keep remembering the look on Nichole’s face.. all the emotions I can read from her.. I’m not used to it… I don’t like it. I can feel the anger inside me but when I ask who are you so angry with?? It’s not exactly clear….
Why are you so angry, what did I do? Is it cause I left the group?
D: No. I hate you because you’re weak. You can’t do anything right.
Me: like what? What do you mean?
D: you should be much further along at work. You can’t just be normal. You’re a failure.
Me: is that all? Why do you keep bringing up Ben? Are you mad at him?
D: Yes. I hate him for abandoning you. I hate him for trying to be there for you. I hate him. I also miss him…at least he earned my respect before addressing me.
Me: And Nichole?
D: She can suck a dick honestly. I don’t like the way she looks at me. I want to crush her. I hate her stupid face and stupid questions. I hate the way she does her hair.
Me: okay those all seem like really superficial reasons to hate someone are you sure there’s not more?
D: I don’t like how she reminds me of my mother a little. I feel some insecurity but also the smugness on occasion makes me want to rip her stupid smile off her face. Just because you know DID doesn’t mean you know me… or us. Who does she think she is?
Me: Why are you so angry about her knowing you or trying to get close?
D: I don’t know I just hate her. I don’t want anyone else to get close – you end up leaving anyway. You always pull away and I hate you for that. You always take away the good things.
Me: I do? Isn’t that usually AC or Host calling the shots? I’m just along for the ride this week.
D: Well whoever. Everything is just fucked up right now. You have too much on your plate and it’s eating you up inside and it pisses me off when you just take it like a pussy. At the same time you deserve to suffer so.. whatever.
Me: I don’t know what to say I don’t know how to make you feel better….
D: Just stop being so fucking weak. You don’t need anyone else. Fuck all of these people who act like they will support you or know you – fuck all of them. I just want to crush something.