I don’t think I can take much more. That moment I felt over break where I was ready and impulsive enough to attempt … and then I blacked out … that feeling seems to come back faster now. My emotional cup is full and I empty it out a little here and there .. in the best ways I know how and it doesn’t seem to matter. There’s always something worse around the corner.
Today I struggled to present in a meeting. I couldn’t get my words to string together normally. I was given half a day to prepare and the work was not entirely my own. I hated myself – hated.
I got off the call and couldn’t put myself together enough to go work out. Haven’t eaten today. I just can’t find a comfortable place. I’m still wrecked by all the loss. I can’t perform like I used to be able to and I hate myself for it. I hate how weak I am. I hate everything about myself right now and I just don’t want to be here anymore. Why won’t someone rescue me from this hell?
What an idiot. Did anyone rescue you when you were a child? Why would you expect that to be the case now? You know you built your own life so you didn’t have to rely on anyone – well now you have no one – wish granted! And guess what? You’re still too weak – you know what you should do right? Just give up – it’s what everyone expects will happen anyway – give the people what they want – end your misery.
All I keep thinking about is getting extremely drunk and letting darkness have her way. Destroy me if you want – I don’t care anymore.
Suffer, Jesi, Suffer
***
My parents are away for the rest of the month. Darkness showed me what I could do. Go to their house. Grab my brothers urn… and curl up around it on the floor. Stab myself in the femoral artery or slit my own throat.. and bleed out.
No one would find me for a few weeks. I’d be okay with my parents finding me because honestly – fuck them.
It is an escape hatch plan born of intense pain and suffering. It feels good to think about dying with my body wrapped around my brothers ashes. It’s comforting. It’s really the only comforting thought I’ve had all day.
***
Reached out to my T. He is always so kind. He wrote that he wants me to be “ok” … it made me cry because all I could think was that – that’s what I want too… but I can’t find my way…I feel lost.. and afraid.. and alone… and like I’ll never come out of the forest.
Or if I do… I won’t be okay. I’ll be different. Not me. It won’t be me, it’ll be some empty shell that everyone thinks is me but it’s not. I’ll be gone, this me will be dead, replaced by some uncanny valley blended version of AC and host.
I’m so scared.