Saturday was a snow day. For the first time in a long time I had a whole day to myself. I had a rough session with my therapist and really just wanted to not think about anything for a while. No parts. No depression. No obligations, and plenty of art supplies and projects.
I have been in quite the artistic rut for a while. I couldn’t tap into the part of me that likes to make things. I think part of me really liked making art to share with friends and my T. But I think I’m going to leave him soon so, I’ll have to find other motivations.
I’m trying to keep myself distracted. My brain is confused. I don’t know who to trust anymore so I’m defaulting to not trusting anyone. But I also think that’s a mistake I just don’t have any options.
The severely depressed and suicidal part of me is very present these days. Sometimes I just sit here stewing in the deep dark emotions of being lost in a void of pain. I’m not going to email my T anymore about these feelings. It was a mistake to share any of this with anyone. I might kill this blog too.
I have so many thoughts and feelings I can’t seem to get a hold of them. I can’t seem to string them together cohesively and it makes me want to run away and disappear from everyone and everything.
I’m really worried. I wonder if I should seek more intensive help. But I’m too tired. I’m tired of trying. I just want to finish this linocut and make a few prints. If it turns out well it would make a good piece to end on wouldn’t it?
I hate it when I talk like that. It sounds so manipulative to make people worry. But there’s also truth in it. I really do feel like dying. I wish for death all the time.. and yet I have no will power to actually do anything about it… for now.
But I don’t trust my T anymore. I don’t want to hurt him or make him worry so I have this feeling like I need to run to protect him from my cyclone of instability. I don’t want him to worry about me or be sad. Especially if something happened – I don’t want him to feel responsible. I don’t want anyone to feel that way so.. I feel a very strong pull to run away from people… or just make them feel like I’m okay. Is that “smiling depression”?
I just want everyone to go back to being happy and thinking I’m happy. I need to hide all of my pain and just go away and disappear from peoples lives so it doesn’t hurt as much if I disappear. I might cancel all my sessions and just see if I can take it. If I survive, well.. then I’m okay then huh? If not, problems solved.
I love everyone – I just don’t really feel like being here anymore. It’s all so exhausting. I’m so tired. I won’t do anything for now.. but the feelings are still there – haunting me.
The only thing I have are distractions.