I just can’t seem to feel anything. I was supposed to come to the gym and workout. Instead, I parked nearby overlooking the highway and tried to get a handle on how I am feeling. Just staring at the cars. I decided to check-in with myself. How would you feel about just stepping in front of one of those cars or jumping off this bridge?
To be honest. I wouldn’t care. I really honestly don’t care whether I live or not. The only thing would be if I didn’t die on impact.. than that would suck.
And I know it would hurt a lot of people and be a huge inconvenience to my therapists if it was intentional. So I won’t, but it hurts to keep living when you care so very little about yourself.
It’s just the way it has to be, huh? That’s fine. Me living no matter how much pain I’m in will make everyone else happy. After all, that’s my purpose in this life – just to do what everyone else wants (I was made to be used). I am not anything and that’s probably why I feel nothing.
Im not complaining – at least I will have been of service to people – gives my life some meaning I guess. Maybe. I don’t know.
I just wish it could be over already.
Why do some people get a peaceful exit in this world before they want to go.. and those of us who couldn’t care less – the ungrateful lot that we are -want to take our lives?
You know, I might feel different later or maybe not. I just think it’s time for me to start distancing myself from therapy. I don’t really see a point in it anymore. I got what I needed; I got the answers I wanted. They’re crappy answers, but answers none the less. So that’s it… I can’t really think of a reason to keep going.
Seems like a good time to recede back to the shadows, right, Midnight?
***
Woke up today. I hate myself.