I didn’t take my antidepressant tonight and whatever I took yesterday wore off. I feel happy and relaxed for the first time in a while when I was feeling like human trash earlier. Honestly? My struggle with suicidality and self worth? That is just me sometimes because, well, trauma. I have hidden it for many years – but it was always there.
But I finally got some time tonight to think through some things from Part’s perspective and shared with my therapist and he made me feel really fucking good about myself.
I think by the end of this week I’m going to be in a much better place and I’m really excited for that. I already feel more hopeful owing to that beautiful therapeutic exchange earlier. And I’m really excited about picking my work back up with Nichole too.
Am I all better? No; I’ve still got some really sad feelings surfacing that I need to work through – that likely don’t even have anything to do with my past trauma. Most of it is grief related (which can also be related to past shit too but I digress). I know I’ll be okay. I made it through the last week, I can make it another week, and another… and another. Even if I can only make it 10 seconds at a time, I can keep doing that too. (Thanks Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt for the pro tip).
Sometimes, it just takes a moment for me to realize that the general pattern of my life is that I eventually make the best decisions that are right for me.
I mean not to toot my own horn but like…I have a kick-ass career that I get to use art, design, cool technology, my communication skills every day. Is it stressful? Yeah, but most jobs are – it also pays over 150K a year when previous jobs I’ve had are just as stressful and paid far less. I’m college educated with a higher-ed degree. I have a fantastic supportive and loving husband, a stable home and great social circle of friends. Those things do not just appear out of no where without a ton of hard work, effort, commitment, resilience, and consistent empathy and support for my colleagues and friends.
Is there privilege and luck also mixed in? Sure, there usually is with success. I’m not discounting that – but I am giving myself props for overcoming a lot of bull crap thrown at me as the daughter of an immigrant, a WOC in a tech field, and a CSA/SA/DV survivor who continues to face challenges daily, head on, and has yet to lose her fight.
It’s the same pride I feel for my fellow CSA survivors who are just trying to make their way in this world. I know their journey’s may be far different than mine and I’m okay with that – but what I won’t do – is be told that my journey is the wrong journey because it doesn’t look like theirs.
Because I might fall down, I might get injured a lot, and have, but… I’m still here aren’t I?