I feel like I’m channeling some major Darkness vibes this AM lol. I kind of don’t mind it though. I’m feeling amped and energized and also kind of like I want to punch anyone who gets in my way. hahaha
You know, sometimes I think for me personally I need to trip and fall and land flat on my face before I can stop and see the truth – that my shoe laces have been untied this whole time. lol Metaphorically of course. It just has felt like a massive marathon of stress and pain these last few weeks. Trying to handle finishing up the saga with my brother’s house, my grief feelings around that, the kid’s mom got covid, my parents pining for my attention, my brother’s feelings around the 1 year anniversary of Eddie’s death, my friend’s feelings about TK’s death… shit even still processing my cat’s death. And any of those things deserve lots of attention and care – and on top of all that work got mega stressful – but I’m finally getting a handle on it.
The past few weeks my body has been begging me to pay attention to all of these things. It brewed up quite the suicidal storm for me (aided by that attempt at antidepressants lol). And I’m getting better at recognizing that is what’s happening. It’s just, even though I knew that was probably the case, I didn’t have time and wasn’t willing to stop and address it and not just because I knew it would be painful.
The reason is because I didn’t feel like I had reached a safe place for a pit stop. At this point in my life I’m not quite able to do that level of processing by myself. I need a few days, I need space, and some guidance from some trusted people (enter therapists) to help me with all that – and those things just weren’t lining up for me. Therapist was there – but the space and time wasn’t. I had to give up a weekend to the twins, and most of my mental power to work, and then Rich and I’s anniversary, so there hasn’t really *been* any time for me.. for us.. my parts, to feel safe to let go. That’s just life sometimes.
I get that it is life and death for me at times. But I would argue, that it’s not that simple. My friend really shit all over me yesterday about where I was at in my journey. It upset me quite a bit. I’m kind of tired of the “holier than thou” attitude that there is only one therapeutic journey that is worth taking. Fuck that noise. Not to mention, if you haven’t suffered from suicidal ideation – you can just fuck right off with your opinions about how to get out of it. “Just do the parts work” lol. And it is, oh-so-familiar from religious white girls I was friends with as a child. This “know-it-all” attitude that is masked in “caring for me”.
“You know Jesi, you’re going to go to hell if you don’t believe in God and read the bible and go to Church. I’m telling you this because I care about you and wish you would change.” The new bible is apparently “The Body Keeps the Score” and the new religion – trauma processing. lol
I could play that game too you know. I could tell her, you know what might help you connect with your body? Exercising regularly. “It would also be a great model for your family as well.” I could come at it from a care perspective – “I really worry about you and your heart. Because heart disease is one of the leading causes of death in women.” But no one asked me for my opinion did they? And maybe she’s doing all that she can right now. And that it feels like the right path for her – so who am I to fucking give unsolicited advice no matter how friendly I am being?
I think what pisses me off is that no one else in that group is in my therapy room EXCEPT ME. I don’t share all the work I do or the things I process. And while I’ve listened to countless negative and condescending comments about my connection to my therapist – I have said little because I was being objective, but enough is god damn enough. I’m tired of listening and not sticking up for my own decisions. At times, I am a god damned force to be reckoned with, and while I thought it was safe for me to show the other side of myself to these people – clearly they took it as an invitation to be told what to do. No, thanks – I’ve had white girls try to make me feel less-than my whole life. No. No more. I’ll get to the issues I need to tackle in my own time, at my own pace, and how I want to – I don’t need or deserve any judgement for how I do that. And they don’t need to worry about me – because no matter how much shit is thrown at me – I always get back up. That’s resilience.
But here’s the thing about my own resilience. While it takes a lot to take me down, that’s both a blessing and a curse. Because it also means when I really need to stop, it’s hard for me because I can still take more. I can still carry more, I can still keep going. It’s why I have the life I have. So the lesson for me, is to realize that even though I have the capacity to take more on; I need to try and find ways to slow down before it gets dire.
But look at that, I came to that conclusion all on my own. And there’s more where that came from if I just trust that I can get myself there – that I can hold on long enough to find those nuggets of light and truth. It’s time for me to do that; alone if I have to, but hopefully with the support of some awesome people in my life, including the therapists of my choosing.
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Update (Thurs. Feb 17th)
I’ve gotten some time to cool down. Some perspective. I feel sad but also still really hurt and upset. I didn’t approach my “friends” with the way I was feeling because I didn’t think I’d get a fair trial. They both seem very much cut from the same cloth in… a lot of things and that sometimes makes it hard for me to stand up for myself. It’s the same issue I had as a kid and why I never felt comfortable expressing my feelings. What I should have done is talk about how one person in particular was crossing some major boundaries and that I wasn’t in a space to have a conversation about it. That I was really hurting that week and her comments felt very unfair given she had barely said a word to me all week. I gave her all the latitude and space and grace I could and when she came back it felt like she wanted to pick a fight or beat someone up. I know she can be prone to tearing people down on social media so i thought – maybe that’s what she wanted? Maybe she wanted to tear someone down and it just happened to be me that day. I didn’t feel like I had room to actually talk especially with how hurt I was. But there was some major boundary crossing and when I was already feeling vulnerable – I couldn’t handle that. That will send me running because I felt very unsafe – and for two people who are supposed to be safe… it was like a dagger to my heart.
So no, I don’t regret leaving. But, I do feel bad I’ll never get to speak my truth. Sometimes that’s just the way it is. I left the door open but I doubt I’ll hear back and honestly, that’s okay. I still have love for them but I can’t be involved if I’m consistently subjected to judgment about my own feelings. Sorry, no thanks. Hm, maybe I’m not as cooled off as I think. lol