I love it when we get pushed to the absolute edge of what we can take. The point it starts affecting our physical health. I cried a little – I think maybe it helped but there’s more. There’s so much more than that.. for a moment it felt inexplicable. Felt overwhelming and destructive and yes, still, painful. So I cried, just a little. I cried for all the broken and lost relationships that I blame entirely on myself. I cried because of how awful I am at saying goodbye and just being level headed when it comes to relationships. I cried because I don’t really want to try anymore. I don’t trust people and I feel like.. that’s just how it should be.
I think I might even go upstairs and just take a bunch of wellbutrin and pass out. I would hope I wouldn’t wake up. I would pray for a seizure. I thought, I would layout my japanese mattress to muffle the sound of any thrashing. I just want to be alone to die. I don’t want anyone’s “help” anymore. Either I’m incapable of being helped or I just suck. Either way the end result is the same.
I feel, a sense of relief and a sense of despair. Mostly I just feel sick still. Not as bad as earlier but.. I’m sure it’ll come back in waves. You can explain to me what’s happening inside of me. You can tell me you’re there for me. Send me cute emoji’s. It just wasn’t enough this week. I lost like a huge chunk of support from my life (this includes my cat) and I needed a little more than that. I know he always gave more than he needed to and I appreciated it. And I know he can’t respond to everything. I know that. I guess I don’t know what I expected. Is this what’s supposed to happen? I grow out of the relationship because I need more than is possible to give?
What happens when I know it can’t be found? When I have no one but myself? I think I know what happens. I let go of taking care of myself entirely. I drink a ton and smoke and just.. don’t care. I get so wasted I go on a wild ride to the hospital, pick up random strangers and drive around drunk. Looking to ruin my life and maybe someone else’s. Because who cares?
I don’t. I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to.. it’s that I can’t handle it. I feel dizzy again. So instead of that wreckless downward spiral.. wouldn’t it be easier to just make it clean and neat?
I’m never good enough for these people. I’m never enough. Women are like the most difficult people on the planet to get along with i swear to god, especially white women. I’ve had them side w/ each other against me on several occasions over the stupidest shit. And I’m usually just baffled. I literally never get that kind of behavior from men. Sure I had rough relationships with them too.. but.. in a different sense. A more clear cut sense. There’s no weird passive aggressiveness or jealousy. They either want to get in my pants, and if they don’t they leave (no loss there?), or they don’t and stick around – which usually means ‘good guy’.
I am SO tired. I really want to work but I can’t. I’m too tired. I’m just talking to myself anyway. But it feels nice. It feels nice to only rely on myself again to be whole and dependent on me. Because honestly? Fuck people. They suck.