Well that lasted all of 5 min. I got a reprieve last night to just exist .. by myself… it was really relaxing. I wished I could have had more time alone to be honest. Ended up drawing a self portrait because .. I don’t know sometimes I want to draw a portrait but there’s few people I like enough to draw them lol.
And besides .. it’s a kind of a unique exercise in spending time with yourself. Or at least your own face.
I picked one of my favorite photos of myself as reference. It’s one in which I was laughing cause my dog was trying to lick me in the photo.. it’s a genuine laugh. It’s a candid and kinda fuzzy photo from years ago. I think some of my best photos are ones which I’m caught in a genuine laugh because otherwise absolutely hate having my picture taken. lol
iunno, maybe I just missed feeling light hearted enough to laugh so wanted to capture it. I’m really not helping my “I’m self centered” argument am I? lol
That’s all I want to do today is sleep and draw and get lost in my own little world.
Rich offered to do some useful stuff but … I don’t care. I don’t want to do anything.
I woke up missing my brother for some reason. Can’t remember my dreams. Never remember them when I go to bed high. That can be a blessing for me tbh.
But it always leaves me more tired the next day… I want a nap. I guess I’m just feeling melancholy . What’s new.
I feel super guilty today. Guilty about being so distant from my folks. It was nice when they were away in Mexico. I didn’t feel pressured to hang out with them. Now that they’re back….
I guess it just brought stuff back with them. Lots of feelings about my brother. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel grief around that. So I don’t know what processing means when it comes to that… I am capable of remembering him in happy …
Got weirdly emotional.
But, yesterday..I was trying desperately to separate the diff houses I used to live in, in my memory.. to try and get clarity on what happened were… it’s all so jumbled.
There’s four diff houses between the time I was like four or five to when I was 12ish.. and then the last house when I was 13-17.
So I guess five total that I can remember. There was a house when I was a baby I cant remember at all. Just know cause my parents showed it to me once (so technically 6 lol). The house my parents live in now I never lived in.. but most of my old stuff is there.
I moved around my entire life. Always cutting ties and just learning that friends were not permanent… no one really was except my immediate family.
I was only able to find real estate photos of one of my previous houses. I was scrolling through the pics… and stopped at a picture of a bedroom. It was my brother Eddie’s. Still looked exactly the same. I don’t know why but it felt like a punch to the gut when I saw it. It was like I was there and could see him there, feel him in that room, and wished I could warn him.. talk to him change something about his life so that he didn’t just fade from it…fade from my memory…
The basement was different but that weird corner room was still there. I went back to staring at Eddie’s room. I remembered after he moved out I moved into it because it was bigger than my old room. My mom got mad at me in that room and ripped the tiny tv I had out from it’s electrical socket cause what was losses I would stay up too late watching tv or playing games. I remember I got the stomach flu like three times in that house.. and the worst I was just dry heaving and/or vomiting so much I fell off my bed and into my own sick. It was gross… and painful. My mom walked in disgusted when she hears me and just told me to clean it up in the most frustrated way. I remember feeling.. guilty ashamed .. hating myself. Those things happened in that room. I don’t know why my mom was so angry at me in this house. I barely did anything. I think it was the most antagonistic period of time between my dad and mom too.
I looked at my old room from that house and… couldn’t really remember much about living in that room at all. But whenever I think about, um… bad memories… it’s almost always in the context of that small bedroom and my bed in that bedroom. I just can’t remember it…
I moved into that house was I was maybe 9 and left when I was 13 I think. I remember my brother Eddie getting so upset with my dad he punched a hole in the wall in that house. Lol wasn’t funny at the time but.. shortly after that he moved out. Rarely saw him after that. So I have these sweet memories of when I was between ages if 5-8 with him and that’s really it. All of my good memories, my perceptions about him, come from this super limited time frame. And after that it would be years later till I would spend any significant time with him. Not until I was in 19-20ish. I’d see him from time to time but he was mostly absent. My brother Juan had a bunch of trouble getting along w my parents as im sure my dad’s ire turned to Juan since my brother Eddie wasn’t there to kick around.
Just remember watching all of this drama and in fighting and being so passive. Not knowing what to do but just trying to shrink away into obscurity.
I still wish I could shrink away.
It was just. Few good memories from that age range. I remember going over to my friend Melissa’s house (I had another good friend Melissa at this age.. diff one then I talk about now).
And I had a lot of good memories with her. I do think that’s one of the few times i remember sorta sleep walking or dissociating and waking up somewhere else. Went to sleep in her bedroom, woke up in her bathroom on the floor down the hall… it was bizarre.
I remember feeling really comfortable there. Just always fun. I don’t ever remember her being mean or a bully. And she liked playing video games like me! Had her own SNES and everything in her room. We hung out a lot… at some point almost every weekend lol. Those are just good memories.
I do remember when she started dressing a little bit more .. adult? Shall we say? Clingier clothes that highlighted the shape of her body. She was thin and pretty. I remember how uncomfortable I was with it. I don’t even know why. I think I just worried about her. The attention.. she might get.. and it also made me wonder if I should follow suit. I never wanted to though. I always wore t shirts and long jean shorts. I hated showing off any part of my body. That was the house I got my first period too, before all my friends did. It didn’t help things in the body/self image department… When we finally moved when I was 13 I think.. my relationship w my friend Melissa basically ended. I was now 40 min away from her and rarely had parents home who wanted to drive me back out to Olathe and it was a bit too much for her parents too. So our friendship kinda just faded.
I saw her once at at Indian creek jr high when I had an art piece in a competitor there (I was not going to school there anymore). I said hey! All excitedly. It’s been ages. She acted like I was a passing thought. She was friendly but .. I could tell she cared less about me seeing her than I her. My heart sank a little, I felt like a childhood toy she once loved but had long since discarded it.
I had another friend named Jessica who I hung out w a lot too during that time period. That was the one who was a bit of a bully to me sometimes. And whose step mom ended up hanging herself. She tried to stay friends with me but the 40 min drive contributed to that ending too. And then I met online David. And you know that story.
I guess pulling up those memories, esp around my friend Melissa… it was actually nice. I think my time at her house was truly the only time I felt safe and accepted for me. I think that’s why it meant so much.
Sucks I lost that but.. that’s life huh?
Anyway. Dumb story. Guess I was just reflecting on how much growing up I did in that house. In the worst parts of my life. My home was chaotic and impermanent and everyone was angry or upset all of the time.
I don’t really know what to say about that. Is what it is.
Feel a migraine coming on… that’s me alright.