What’s the context I’m entering into? That’s how I know which personality to “turn-on” and which to shut off. Everyone does this to some degree. But when I think about the gap in how my youngest most deeply kept “me” expresses herself and what everyone else sees, well, the chasm is vast (I’d be willing to say abnormal). The more unfamiliar the situation, the less I’m likely to know which self to use. This causes me deep anxiety. Sometimes I’m quiet so that I can observe and synthesize and present the right me for the environment. Sometimes I just pick one and roll with it. But that’s why new people may get several different versions of me until I know which one to present so that they’re most comfortable around me.
The conclusion I came to, in thinking about all this, is that I don’t have a singular “me”. I base my personality almost entirely on context clues from other people and the environment. If there’s no one around, I don’t always know who I am. I think, maybe that’s when I feel disconnected and self-harm sometimes helps me feel grounded. That’s not the only reason I engage in that, but I think, it might be a primary one. There is some level of punishment, body-shame wrapped up in there, but that’s another story for another time.
Therapy makes this especially complex because the therapist mirrors me a lot of the time. This makes me super anxious because I don’t necessarily want to see a reflection of my self… because maybe I don’t recognize her; how unsettling would that be to look in a mirror and see someone else? So I sit there, with my brain going wild trying to figure out how to present and there’s no clues – nothing for me to latch onto – to know how to be.
Logically, one might say, well that’s easy, just “be yourself”. I feel angry and lost when I hear that; it’s agonizing. I can feel the roulette wheel spinning faster and faster unsure who to land on – trying out snippets of each personality and feeling the weight of insecurity – the gripping fear in perceiving the situation as dangerous. And it’s clear when someone says that, they don’t get it. There is no singular “me”. This human never developed a singular sense of self, because it was always based on what other people wanted. Not in the normal teenager angsty, figuring out “who I am” way that most kids go through. No, not like that. More akin to, “my physical safety is threatened unless I behave and act a certain way”. Never upset anyone, don’t cry, don’t ask for anything, be quiet, get good grades and don’t bother me.
So, on top of needing to disconnect from my body to protect the rest of us from knowing…from experiencing several deep transgressions on our soul, our psyche, I needed to evolve a specialized skill. I needed to be able to adapt to survive. So I became a vessel, a closet full of costumes I swap in and out of depending on the situation so that others can feel comfortable with me being there, so that I can blend in and feel safe.
So who am I? No one, I don’t exist.