It’s been a while. I’ve had a really hard time accessing the part of me that lets me create art uninhibited since I stopped taking edibles/smoking pot. In general I’ve been pretty depressed about my sorry fragmented state but I think I was able to come to a conclusion recently.
I’ve been reflecting on the forgotten. Who is she? Why is she obsessed with hanging me or hurting me? She’s so angry and so full of raw emotion – I’m not even sure it’s rage or if it’s sadness or despair. It’s just an intensity that makes me feel like if I give her any latitude to express herself, I might lose control. I can feel her sitting behind a fragile glass cage, being kept in check by all the others. But I..we fear it won’t always hold. And that is what terrifies me.
But I think i figured it out. I think she is actually the other half of my experience with my dad’s brutal abuse. At a fragile time in my life I was moved away from any friends I had over a summer. This was after my friend’s step mom hung herself, something I was never asked about. My parents business was just growing so they constantly worked and both my brothers had moved out. I spent all day alone. So, I made friends online and when that world was threatened, when my parents threatened to take that away…I got angry. I chose to speak up against my dad and I was punished into submission.
After that event, I didn’t know how to process it. I didn’t know how to feel. I remember feeling like I was in a bubble, inside time stopped, but the world around me was moving as quickly as ever. I was crushed, alone, sad, and felt like I deserved it because after all, speaking up and expressing emotion was forbidden in my house. I knew this and I stepped out of line anyway. That’s why she stays silent. And yet, the part of me that spoke up that day, became the Disrupted. She is aware of being held down and beaten, but her reaction to the event isn’t to be pitifully hurt and sad. It’s more violent, angry, vengeful, and intensely resistant to anyone controlling her or her feelings ever again. She has been screaming to be noticed, but was shoved down so deeply, tangled in a mess of complex emotions, we didn’t even know she was there, which is why initially, she was the Forgotten. Deep down I think we knew though, it was to protect the host. Because when the host is allowed to be angry, to stand up for herself, look what happens?
And now that I feel her, now that I know she’s here, I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t really understand the emotion of anger or rage. I’m terrified by it, by becoming engulfed by it and losing control. I imagine wanting to give her a hug, tell her I care and she just shoves me away. She can’t hear me or understand. It’s like she’s under water and the sound is garbled. If I push too hard or when she’s not ready to even try to listen, she threatens to hurt me, or does hurt me.
I have seen the reaction of explosive anger so much in the men in my life and I can’t bare the thought of seeing it or of becoming like that myself. It’s why I can’t even tolerate someone raising their voice at me. It’s all so terrifying. How do I process an emotion I don’t understand?
I’m just so scared.