Woke up unexplainably sad with the edges of a migraine. Sad all day today and couldn’t stop listening to this song, “People, I’ve Been Sad”, by Christine and the Queens – French singer. I don’t know why but the song exuded everything I was feeling today (and some of it is in French). I know part of it is shit with my brother. I talked a little bit about that with my DID crew, mentioned that’s a part of why I don’t think I can go back to counseling for a while, maybe ever, that and the attachment shit. Why is caring about people so painful? Why does it feel like my life is so filled with pain? I think I’d rather just be alone – no one to hear me complain about shit everyone goes through, it disgusts me how weak I am sometimes.
And of course I’m dealing with estate stuff today, so can’t just pretend my brother isn’t dead or that I haven’t spent time w the kids lately or that I don’t need to reach out to his ex… everything building and I just want to leave the country (which I might).
Anyway, after burying my emotions and listening a few more times to this song I noticed a comment super far down the thread on the video. It mentioned that she wrote this song after her mother passed away last spring. I was dumbstruck.
It’s literally a song born out of grief and I’ve literally been fighting back tears all day about my brother. I don’t speak French and yet I understood. It’s so strange how music transcends barriers beyond our own conscious comprehension.