Okay. I’m going to try and do this more often. Last night I had some ups and downs – how do I work on reacting less emotionally? It really sucks that I’m like that and I wish… I wish I wasn’t. I feel like it’s worse now than it’s been in the past but I still struggle. But enough about that, I wanted to do some gratitude journaling. It’s cheesy AF but I actually think it’ll be helpful for me. Especially here where I’m so apt to pour out my sorrows, I’m always looking to grow and try different things so here we go. Three things I have gratitude for this week:
- Being able to play soccer again
- One of my favorite memories from living in Texas was playing in the all women’s outdoor rec league. I played about 5 years in a row and I started to really hit my stride in the last year as a forward. KC does not have that massive network and I hesitated to join a co-ed league because I ruptured my ACL/tore my meniscus in a co-ed game so I’ve just been a little cautious since then. But I finally just said fuck it. And I’m so glad I did. I’ve been awash in existential depression and I had my first game last night and omfg I had a blast. Happiness endorphins rushed over me and I was nothing but extremely happy (it got cut short by a text from my mom which led to me shot gunning 3 beers lol but.. I’m not going to get into that here).
- Having a friend network that feels supportive and brings joy to my life
- I don’t always talk to my in-person friends about the really hard stuff. But I do have some friends online who I can do that with. And when I really think about it I have so, so many great friends, Melissa & Chad, Tyler & Kelsey, David & Amy, Rachel & Nick, Derek & Royna, Candice, Feher, Prem, Hiba & Chris, Tom & Stef, Josh, Greg, Brandon, Pratap, Craig – and any one of these people I could probably talk about hard stuff with I just choose not to – I know that I could though and they’d do their best to support me. And the new friends I’ve made Shannon and Hilary who allow me that space openly (for the hard stuff) and I hold that space for them as well <3. And as I do more activities (soccer, rich’s softball team, kc arts coalition) that friend network continues to expand. I never had this kind of network in Texas. But, holy cow I am loved. :’) I have to try to remember that because it’s not always easy for me. I want to do better for them – because they (and my nieces/nephews) deserve the best version of me…and so do I. Shit, almost made myself cry.
- Two awesome dudes who have been super supportive of my crazy lately (R and my T)
- I know R and I’s marriage is a little rocky at times, but *most* of the time it’s comfortable and safe and stable and that’s more than I’ve had for a large portion of my life. Sometimes I try to shake the foundation intentionally and I think a lot of that has to do w/ issues in my past I haven’t dealt with (am trying to now) but R has always been there. He’s not perfect (who is?) and doesn’t always respond the greatest but… he cares, he loves me so much and I know that it’s just not always easy for me to feel it or give him the same level of love, respect, and care back. And yet, he still supports me in so many ways. He allows me my space and doesn’t punish me for not always acting towards him with the same level of care he deserves (I want so badly to be better at this… not just for him but for others too). And second, my T who obviously is amazing. The encouragement to keep trying is huge for me. The week R was out of town and he reached out meant so fucking much to me and I really haven’t thanked him enough for that. I know I do a lot of growth and exploration on my own time as well, but I wouldn’t have gotten there if he hadn’t encouraged me and that’s … I’m not sure I can put a price tag on that. My time w/ him and the continual growth is literally priceless. <3
Wow, feeling pretty warm and fuzzy, there’s the cynical part of me that’s like (I wonder how long this will last – this time?). Self, you’re not wrong, it probably won’t last, but we’ll keep going, keep trying.
Time to kick ass at work. : )