I saw this post online in the r/depression thread. The post was simple. “Dad asked me if I was okay.” I stared at it on my screen. I thought to myself, “what a simple thing to post a topic about… wonder why this was so important?” And also, “what a nice thing for their dad to do….” And that’s when it hit me. It’s not like my dad didn’t bring me soup or medicine when I was sick… but he’s never once asked me about my mental state.
Not once.
Not once has he shown genuine care and concern for how I feel. He may care but I’d never fucking know it.
Since my brother died he’s never asked me how I’m doing. I picture that – my dad, asking me how I’m feeling and the sound of it is so foreign… but I must admit it sounds so nice. How lucky people are to have that kind if relationship with a parent (Does that even exist? Sounds made up…). My dad just let my mom “handle” that stuff. He makes her speak on his behalf and I’ve always hated it.
I was thinking today. Maybe I’ll try and relate some good stuff about my family – to not be so negative and paint this horrible picture. I mean even though I feel like I’m the worst I’m not that bad, some people even like me lol, so it couldn’t have been all bad?
Maybe I just learned a few things despite all that. I don’t know. I tried to think… one of my favorite things growing up was road trips. But even those we struggled.
I remember one time Eddie was 16 or 17. He could drive so my dad let him drive in Mexico for a while (we made the long trip from KC). My dad retreated to the back seat w my brother J and I. He was drinking a beer (he often drank in the car lol). Eddie made a wrong turn somewhere and my dad who had fallen asleep for a while woke up and realized we were going the wrong direction. He got really upset, threw a full (closed) beer can at Eddie while he was driving and yelled at him to pull over and griped about him… I remember hating this moment so much. I remember feeling so bad for my big brother as he pulled over and sullenly climbed back in the back seat of the car – I was only 8 or 9 and I tried to ask if he was okay – Eddie was upset and he told me to leave him alone… I understood.
So thats the memory that sends me into quiet sobs today. I wonder what the next one will be.