1:34am. I awoke to my mind switching between others. I was half asleep. But the last switch was to my 6 y/o self. I think I’m often co-conscious w her because she comes out a ton around R, he just doesn’t realize it. I actually think she is there a lot in session with my T too. She’s the one that is shy and nervous and scared, but also really admires and likes him.
When she’s out at home she’s super playful and loves to tell R “no” to questions in an impish way. It’s because her dad told her she was never allowed to say no to him… to her parents. So she didn’t. I wish I could erase that lesson for her. She likes to say it a lot now, for fun.
She giggles a ton and loves coloring and making R laugh and laughing at his jokes. She’s sweet and delightful. She LOVES jumping into bed and balling up under blankets and cuddling with plushies (yeah I have lots of stuffed animals around the house and no kids). She’s my favorite to let… just be herself. I do so often.
But tonight was different. For whatever reason, I was dreaming then suddenly I was aware of switching and I guess we tried to let her front in entirety… without me there next to her…. I woke up out of my half conscious state trembling super hard and I ran my finger nail down my left arm in an attempt to cut without even realizing what I was doing. Inside my head all I heard was “Stay Out” (it wasn’t her… I think it was the angry one) before I backed off and returned to the front, breathing hard.
Then I sat there, terrified. Thinking of killing myself again. I feel like I’m just making this all up. I’m so scared and I don’t feel like I’ll ever not be. I just want to be dead. I wish someone could tell me it’s going to be okay and that this is normal and I’ll be fine. But I know it’s not. I know I’m probably psychotic or schizo or who fucking knows. I’m not sure I care anymore.
I’m so sad.