I had a few vivid dreams this week and just wanted to capture them. I recently told my friends that I have this visual that I imagine when we all go to bed. That, lit by the moon in the stillness of night a small ferry comes to pick us up on the shores of the waking world. A toll is always paid; maybe a ruby as representation for a broken heart, an emerald that houses the sharpness of envy, a dusty old book that holds a powerful memory. Regardless, a man in a hooded cloak accepts our offerings and ferries us across a vast lake covered in a thick fog. Dreamlike colors dance across the water’s surface as we enjoy the gentle ride into the world of the dreaming.
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1. The first dream was maybe Tuesday or Wednesday night. I had reached out to my T recently because I was have a rough time with my thoughts and feelings. He was super kind to me and I feel like that’s a part of why this dream may have occurred.
It was late. We were in my headspace in the dream. The cabin was dimly lit, the hearth embers slowly burning out. My T was wearing regular clothes but oddly a heavy coat in this dream. I was asking for help, I was scared. I’m not sure what I asked for but I was curled up on the floor in blankets, something I did often as a kid. He knelt down beside me and I reached for his arm like a child. With reluctance he laid down next to me and I fell asleep clutching his arm in the dream. All pretty innocent and really nice. I felt safe until I woke up a different person in the same dream. I found myself trying to seduce him. It was sort of working, but I could tell how uncomfortable he was and I suddenly realized what I was doing and how I was hurting him in a way. I backed off and he backed away looking at me with a weird mixture of concern and fear. I felt like I ruined everything that was good between us. But the other person, the would-be seductress in the dream was smiling impishly .. like watching her prey escape knowing she could chase it down but not caring enough to…yet I know it was all me. All the parts were me.
I’m ashamed of this one. It’s embarrassing to admit I’m scared of parts of myself that are almost predatory. It makes me feel like I’m never authentic – there is always this other part of me that wants to take advantage of people, especially if they get too close. This part of me doesn’t care what she destroys or who she sleeps with its all just fun for her. Meanwhile I’m squirming inside.
2. Dream two I awoke crying and would have cried more if R wasn’t sleeping next to me. I hate when I wake up crying. I went to bed feeling quite suicidal so it’s no surprise I guess.
I was on a boat in the middle of the sea. There was a captain on board but I never see his face he’s just in the background staring out to sea with his back to me. I’m in a jacket or rain coat because even though it’s not stormy outside it’s still wet on the boat as the seas are quite choppy. I’m in the cabin area of the boat and I reach down to a small book shelf and find a book, a photo album. There’s something special about it. It’s got colorful and unique pages that are animated. I start flipping through only to realize it’s got pictures of my family, my brother, memories that were never captured in photos but are here in this book. I’m reminded that my brother is dead which hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t help myself but start tearing up in the dream and in real life apparently. Suddenly the dream shifts and I’m shopping in a dark mall looking for gifts for my niece. The book is there again on a toy store shelf and my mom and random person who is a family friend is there. I try to show the book to my mom she looks for a while but then is saddened, she shuts down, now emotionless and walks away from me. The family friend looks at me with concern but says nothing. I keep flipping through the pages of the book trying to hold back tears feeling the full weight of my brother’s death in the dream… and I wake up, tears in my eyes, wishing I could scream.
I’m still pretty teary eyed this morning but I don’t feel like falling into that pit today. I’ve got too much to get done. But I do want to explore a few things in the dreams.
For one, I’ve now had several dreams with my T as a primary character – its interesting. A rape dream, a dream where he physically got in a fight with me, and now this one, where I tried to seduce him. Of, all the dreams I’ve had with my T he’s always wearing a jacket or a coat. I consulted a few dream dictionaries (take it with a grain of salt) and one suggestion was that someone wearing a coat could mean they have something to hide. I could see this, as I don’t actually know my T, right? Like he’s this whole person and I only get a fraction, so it could be my subconscious perceives this and it may be a part of my uneasiness to trust him.
So then, it could also be, that the deviant part of me .. wanted to remove that barrier. Maybe in a way, she’s actually protective. Like my angry part (darkness) is to a degree. I’m starting to learn that angry part maybe kicks me down because she likely doesn’t want me digging into things that could hurt me, worse than she can hurt me. So, maybe this is the same thing. The deviant wanted to even the score, the dynamic of my relationship with T by removing his coat (and clothes haha) in the dream. After all there’s nothing more intimate, nothing quite like consensual sex to even the playing field, huh? But only in that, sex is a lot about power and I know, that one of the things the deviant is careful about… is not feeling powerless. She likes to control the narrative, she likes to initiate sex because it gives her an edge over any would-be abusers. She gets to see a lot about who a person is if she sleeps with them. But mostly, she doesn’t have to feel like someone is taking advantage of her, if she does it first, if she owns it.
That hurts to write out. It hurts a lot.
Moving on to dream two. The boat dream with my brother is fairly straight forward. Water can mean deep emotion, intuition, precognition, spirituality, etc. So water can symbolize the state of how we feel. Here I find myself alone at sea in the middle of a vast ocean. These waters are choppy, but it’s not stormy outside. I take most of this dream to symbolize my journey and how I feel about it. This journey into understanding my parts, its not spelling out doom (no storm) but its rough and I’m alone, except a stranger to guide me (my T?). We’re both in rain gear, prepared, but I feel deeply alone. My real-life journey started with my brother’s death, so it’s no surprise I find him here at the start of my dream journey. I get one chance to bring my mother on board, meeting her where she’s at (she loves shopping), but it’s too much for her. Much like in real life, she seems interested, but when it gets difficult, she walks away.
I do feel a lot like that. Alone in a vast ocean. No discernible navigation, no map. It’s part of why I get these deeply depressed feelings. I feel hopeless, lost, no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, when the end will be. I just know that every day I work to mask these feelings. I don’t let people know how deeply alone I feel. I surround myself with friends and schedule social outings and work to make those around me feel loved and happy and secure and supported by me. Meanwhile, I’ve fallen overboard, I’m drowning. I can barely keep my head above water, but part of me is okay with it. Part of me wants to accept it. I would rather drown in my own personal sea of emotional torment, with those around me sipping cocktails on deck, happy and feeling loved, than ever reveal how much pain I’m in. That would require me to let them know why and I don’t think I can ever do that.
After all, I hear drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die.
Addendum:
I told this story before on this blog but it was some time ago. When I was 3, I almost drowned when my dad missed catching me down a water slide at a pool (he wasn’t paying attention and didn’t see me go down). I sank like a rock to the bottom and sometimes, I wonder if thats why I have a ton of water imagery in what I dream about or express in art/writing. I have written before, that I wish he would have just let it happen, the end of my story. Maybe he would have learned to appreciate his kids after losing one and Eddie would still be alive.