Screams. When will it be over? Why do I always suffer? I only live for you. I hate living. Someone please end me.
***
Those are the words I hear echoing in the back of my mind all the time. But particularly this week. The last time I saw my brother alive was this week one year ago. Specifically Thanksgiving day. It’s the last time I saw you alive. The pain is still sharp. Is this what you wanted, Darkness? You always say it to me… “suffer, Jesi, suffer”. I am, don’t you worry, I am.
There is one voice who thinks Friday is a good day to hurt ourselves. It will be after Thanksgiving, before my dads birthday on the 30th, before my birthday on the 2nd – a day I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t want to endure any of these things. I only do it for the twins and for Rich… because to crush them is horrible, but I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. I wish it was that simple… but instead… suffer, Jesi… suffer. You deserve this pain… you always deserved it. Your body deserves the punishment, it always has, it was made to be used. Did you catch the fragment last night? Your little legs being spread open on a bed? Did you like that we shared that with you? Did you like feeling small and opened up for a male to penetrate you? Use you? Your tiny knees in the air? It was probably made up tho, right? Is that why you want to harm yourself so much? I get it.
Suffer, Jesi, Suffer.
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