You know what I want? I want you to burn all of my clothes. Donate all of my belongings. Sell everything I owned. Burn all of my art. Get rid of it all. Sell the house and then keep what you want of what we had. I’m sorry I didn’t leave sooner so that you had more time to find someone better. Someone who could give you a child. Someone who could give you the love that you deserved. That’s what I want to say.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and remember that I won’t see my brother. It was the only time that I got to see them both even for just a little while. I always craved for them to love me, to pay attention to me, to want me in their lives. But we were all so damaged, family meant nothing.
What are you doing on thanksgiving Jess? What about Christmas? Why does it matter anymore? I don’t have family. I never really did. I’m just there to take care of them. I was made to be used or abused… and then used some more. There’s no world in which I won’t be that. And now that my brother is gone, I want so badly to join him its unbearable. I can only imagine what my niece and nephew feel.
I can’t leave them alone.. I have to live but it hurts so much. I want to cut and rip into my flesh when I haven’t in months. I want to pour myself a prescription cocktail of alcohol and drugs and chug the whole thing.. like I tried when R was outta town. My T saved my life that time (wonder if he even knows) but… I don’t want to reach out to anyone this time. If I make an attempt it will be on my own terms. For the most part, I likely will just hurt myself… it’s the only way to help assuage the pain.
I feel weak, but I’ve been trying to deal with it. I sat here tonight and wrapped myself in blankets and allowed myself to cry because R is out with friends. I cried about my brother and about how bad I have felt all week. About how much I dread tomorrow, about how much pain I’m in. I tried to comfort myself but nothing helped. What else am I supposed to do? When I’ve let out as much as I can, and there’s just still more… I just can’t take it.
Deep down, I have no will to keep going. I want to be there for the twins on Thanksgiving but other than that I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to make it to my birthday. I don’t want anything from anyone. I have no ambition anymore, I just don’t care. I’m sorry.
I don’t even have any words left.