The MatrixOS (operating system) is the name I gave to the part of my brain that seemed to be locking me out of stuff. It wasn’t Host, who says little, she’s always been more of a manager than a gatekeeper. I became aware of the MatrixOS maybe probably 6 months ago – but I didn’t understand what it was… I thought, is this the part of my brain that is just on autopilot keeping things locked down until I’m ready? It wasn’t until my friend mentioned it could be a dissociated part… that something clicked.
I have mentioned the “secret gov. facility” in my dreams, the guards chasing me around, the hallways shifting and switching numbers. I would attribute all of that to the MatrixOS (which I would also nickname “the system”… it can be a little confusing with the general idea of my overall parts system). But all of those gates… that was “it”… her.
Lately, I keep dreaming about that house – 1437 Frontier Ln – I wrote about some of my flashbacks last weekend I think – most are from that house. I think I saw a lot of bad things when I was there. I would have been 8 or 9 when we first moved there. I’ve been really struggling to remember that age, beating myself up over not being able to recall much. I would have been in 3rd grade but for the life of me, I can name every one of my elementary school teacher’s, except 3rd grade. And not knowing drives me up a wall. I don’t need to know everything… but whole years gone? It’s frustrating.
So, yesterday I was meditating and… I went ahead and decided I was going to try and communicate with the MatrixOS. I felt like I had reached a secure enough spot – that I could listen and not be destabilized.
The way this goes I usually get really relaxed while listening to some binaural beats. Sometimes I’m high, but not tonight (been cutting back on alcohol/weed). I explained to the void that I wanted to talk to her… that she could show me things because I would be okay. And, she responded! She sounded like you would imagine the female robotic voice of a computer system to sound. And she took me to some places.
When I’m around kids in diapers I get a little uncomfortable and I’ve never known why. Even when I was a kid. I think, I’ve mentioned it before, but I have a fragment of a memory of being in one and someone, a man, putting their hand down it and touching me…rubbing me. I have no idea if it’s real, but that sensation came back fiercely, while I was under. Then the visuals shifted, to being back at that house.
There is a lot of shame tied up in this memory. I was 8 or 9 and my aunt (from my mom’s side of the family) was staying with us – most of their stuff was in the finished basement. She had two boys of her own, one still in diapers. I remember for some reason being compelled to try one on… That day my uncle (dad’s side) was over as well, they were all hanging out upstairs. And so I took a diaper and was in the middle of figuring out how to try it on when my uncle came downstairs… I was half hidden behind a couch but he could tell something weird was going on… I froze. He asked me what I was doing and I just made up some excuse I don’t even remember what I said. This is where… I can’t … I don’t remember if this part is real. He walked into the basement… that part is real, but in this visual…he asked me to put my pants back on and come see him.
The next part is very hazy. Last week I had a flashback of this room too. In the finished basement of this house, in the corner, there was a tiny room that was unfinished. It had concrete floor and wooden supports – a makeshift room for the furnace I think. I have a fragment of a memory of being in this room and there was a towel laying down on the floor. I remember talking to someone. I can’t tell if it was my cousin or my uncle or what we talked about. But I am asked to lay down and take my clothes off. I don’t remember… what actually happened I just remember complying and being so scared someone would find us. That I would get in trouble.
As I was “remembering” this I felt my anxiety fall momentarily – I felt relaxed like maybe… MatrixOS let go a little. And I’m starting to wonder if… MatrixOS is me from that age…. kind of like how darkness presented as an oozing horrifying monster at first….but was actually just a teenage girl. I wonder if MatrixOS, is the part of me holding some of the memories from that age range (between 8-10). And if they are this brutal, i’m not surprised she has kept them in lockdown all this time.
I have gotten dreams and fragments over the years, dreams associated with bodily sensations, of a bigger man’s stomach rubbing on mine as he laid on top of me. I distinctly remember a dream like that when I was 17 or so and it creeped me out enough that I still remember it to this day. I even drew a little of it in that comic I made about what I found at the bottom of the well.
I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. But it sure is a lot of fucking clues. This particular uncle, btw, I think I’ve mentioned, he was deported years ago because his neighbor claimed he molested her daughter. We don’t know how much truth is in that but I can tell you, that his son (diff cousin than the one that did stuff to me if that wasn’t clear) was always angry and rebellious, he acted out a lot, as a child. As an adult, I recently came into contact with him, and… he just looks and sounds depressed. His voice is monotone and he always just looks fucking sad. I could be projecting, but it has weighed on me. That and the fact, that the cousin that did stuff to me, spent a lot more time with that uncle than I ever did. And his sister had bed wetting problems for a long time and now she’s like extremely obese, divorced, and with like 3 kids from 2 or 3 diff dad’s. I know… that there could be so many reasons for all of these things. I know it could just be me seeing threads that aren’t there…but it just makes me think that deep down there was something sinister going on. Something carried down from a previous generation of abuse. And how disgusting of a legacy that is…but I bet it happens more than is talked about.
I have a cousin who didn’t spend as much time with us because her dad (my dad’s brother) and her mom divorced when they were young. So she spent a lot more time in Wichita. She’s a social worker now and.. I have often thought about trying to have a conversation with her about all this. But she spends so much more time with my extended family than I do – they all think I’m weird because I have kept my distance from that side of the family for a really long time. She did recently reach out when I moved back to KC. I think, maybe….MAYBE…..one day I will try and talk to her about all this. The worst that can happen is she stops talking to me slanders my name and that side of my family never talks to me again lol. Which, honestly wouldn’t, be much different than it is now.
That’s all. I don’t know where I’ll go from here…I feel drained.. and exhausted.. and sort of wounded inside. I guess we’ll see if MatrixOS reveals her true self at any time.. I think so but we’ll see.
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On Friday I also did a little reprocessing of the night I got severely beaten. We talked about freeze, flight, fight, fawn…submit & collapse.. which Nichole explained was what animals do before they’re about to die. It stuck with me. In fact I barely remember what we talked about the rest of the session, because that was not it – I just couldn’t get it out of my head… because I remember the moment where I went limp and just said… this is it. Which… yeah.
And Saturday, I had a moment where I realized how scared I am of showing affection towards Rich… he craves it and I am anxious and don’t want to give it so I force myself to…and it always feels uncomfortable and I didn’t quite understand why but now I kind of know…. because I don’t want it turning into sex. Because I view him as a caretaker, nurturer, and friend… but my feelings around how that all plays into a sexual relationship is deeply complicated… esp now that I know deviant was essentially paying for his care with sex. I cried myself to sleep not knowing what any of it meant for us long term. I still don’t.
No surprise, I ended up with a migraine on Friday on my left side… I have never gotten a migraine from my left side… so i’m a bit concerned because they say changes in migraine patterns (like an increase as i’ve had lately) means you should probably go to a doc. But after Friday’s invasive and somewhat painful exam … and that other shit doctor telling me my suicidality was caused by my own thoughts around taking medication lol… I’m just so tired of being prodded and dismissed.
There’s a lot of painful and crushing things swirling around in my head these days. But, I’m actually doing okay so far. I mean, I feel a lot of shame for some reason, like I want to hide. I feel wounded, but I think I’ll be okay….I hope…
But, I want to end on a good note. Oh, on Friday, I hung out w/ my friends and it was nice (I didn’t even drink!) and I also found out they got rid of the bonus incentive program at work and decided they would just give it to everyone as a bump in base salary going forward – soooo I got a 20K raise!! lol Thought I would end all this random shit on a good note. : )