I’ve always been a little weird about this. The word, the concept, my understanding of faith. I’m typing this in a local coffee shop and how ironic that on a day I feel like I had a very spiritual experience, I am sitting next to a guy who is studying theology, a thick Holy Bible is perched over his paperwork. He says goodbye to his friend “see you at church tomorrow”. In a way, it’s nice to see that there are people who still have some flavor of faith in a higher-power in this world. Sometimes, it’s hard to see it when you’ve been through hard things.
I was raised catholic, baptized as a child but luckily never forced to go to church, except when I spent the night at a few friends’ houses. In fact, it’s one of the few things I’ve appreciated about how my parents raised me. They simply told me, “believe in God” the church stuff is whatever. It was paradoxically dogmatic and yet left a lot of room for interpretation. I have had a lot of really poor experiences with deeply religious people and yet it hasn’t destroyed my own personal faith that there is a power that is bigger than all of us. That deep down we are all connected by an energy we may never fully comprehend. I’m very much okay with that and if you think about it; even science backs that theory to a degree. I think, that’s what allows me to still have experiences like this – and I’m thankful for that.
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I had a rough work week. One of my boss’s came across as incredibly pessimistic and disappointed towards what our team has been able to achieve. In contrast, given all the technical and resourcing hurdles, I’m actually pretty proud of the direction we’re headed. But I took a lot of this person’s disappointment to heart. I felt responsible for him feeling this way – even though I have worked above and beyond what I need to and my performance review showed it. Logically, I shouldn’t feel bad. My direct boss just gave me a glowing review. He even said he questioned what he’d been doing these past four months after seeing all that I accomplished. The thing is, I can’t move mountains – and I shouldn’t be expected to in just a few months time at a new company. The VP even admitted that he had some unrealistic expectations; but this all triggered the hell out of me. A male authority figure making me feel inadequate; predicating his emotional state towards me based on my external success – on his expectations – welcome to my whole life with my dad.
I had a couple of therapy sessions that seemed to help somewhat. But the feeling was still there like a pit in my stomach that was heavy and unmoveable. I had scheduled a massage a couple weeks ago, for today. One of the options for this particular massage therapist was to add on some “Reiki” healing. Now, I know people turn their nose up at these kinds of things; but I’ve always been really open minded about this kind of stuff. You do have to use common sense but, here’s the thing. If it makes you feel better, if it connects you to self more closely, if you enjoy it and it’s not harmful to others or causes you to be judgmental… I say go for it! So, I thought, you know I’ve never tried that before, why not?
Maybe I’m wrong, but I think what I received today was far less about what the massage therapist/Reiki practitioner did, and far more about my need to have time and space to connect with myself. We started with a guided meditation about connecting to self. At one point she was quietly whispering intentions over me and she said, “help Jessica connect to her parts” and internally it stopped me dead in my tracks. She meant it as in parts lost and found, pieces of myself, maybe more like concepts, not like alters. Slightly different context I think, but it was still poignant. She talked about channeling my highest self and visualizing them and then it happened.
Maybe one of the most powerful visuals I’ve ever been gifted. One that I so badly needed.
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Recently, I have spoken about how hard it’s been to connect with self, or that I didn’t know what self meant. Is it the IFS model of the 8 C’s? Shannon and Hilary seem to adhere to this squarely but for some reason I could understand it, but didn’t quite connect for me emotionally. It was too intellectual, it was a nice “framework for self” rather than what it felt to be self. Nichole told me, not to let anyone tell me who “self” is or what it’s supposed to feel like. For her, it just simply means remaining “curious”. I liked that; and now I find myself curious to hear what Ben has to say on that – if he’s thought about it. I love hearing different people’s perspectives on this stuff but as you might know, if you’ve been along with me on this journey, I still have to make up my own mind about what makes sense for me. Call it being stubborn, but I don’t like people telling me what is or isn’t right when it comes to understanding me. And so, I still struggled to connect to what my idea of “self” is…until today.
Lying there in a quiet room on a heated table I started to visualize my mindspace. The lazy river room is where we started. I asked my parts to join me. We sat in a circle, all of us. I heard some grumbling but I asked them to play along, that if they join me, at minimum, the massage will feel really nice for everyone. And once we were all seated, I asked them to hold hands with each other and close their eyes and they did. And then I said, you know we can be anywhere right now… and the landscape shifted and shifted until I found something that felt right.
The therapist had mentioned animal guides helping me and the image of a stag popped in (as it frequently does) and then the forest. Suddenly, we were all there. It was dusk and we sat in a circular clearing with tall pine trees surrounding us. There was a gentle stream nearby and the soft sounds of rustling trees. A crackling fire in the center of the circle warmed us. We sat, comfortable, our eyes closed and holding hands; the therapist mentioned reaching out to our higher self and I started to feel… to see something.
Above the flame of the campfire, the image of a being entirely made of light appeared. It was us, it was me – it was our self. They came down from the starry sky above us and hovered above the fire – the glow of their shape outshining the light of the flames. It was so fucking warm and though my eyes were closed I could see them. I could feel them.
I became aware of all of the strength and resilience, the love and the wisdom, and my god the sheer power that emanated off of them – I was truly awestruck. I realized that the only reason they appeared was because we were all here; because all of the parts were here, connected as one.
As I lay there, I struggled a bit to take it all in; I worried I would get caught up in the power of these emotions and lose sight of what I was seeing. So I pulled back a little, to a more logical, but still open, frame of mind
As the massage therapist continued to talk about letting the energy flow out of the crown of our head I tried to imagine the negative feelings and the anxiety flowing out of me to the being of energy and they let it out above them; out towards the stars, to the universe. I saw the energy dissipate in the air accompanied by a small release in my chest.
And then I had an epiphany. It wasn’t just me who needed this, every Part sitting in that circle needed the same damn thing. They all needed to let go of these feelings and so I urged them to try and do their best. To let go of what weighed them down.
One by one I went around the circle allowing them a moment to find what was most painful and asked them to let even just a little bit of it go. I assured them, that we were all here, protecting each other – making this space safe for each other.
AC told me she worried about failure; about not being good enough. We told her she is not her job, we are all so proud of her, and that she cannot fail in this space and she will always be taken care of because she had us. It calmed her wearied heart.
Loved said she was deeply afraid of being alone in this world and saddened she had no family. We told her that she will never be alone because she had all of us, and she had the two Little’s to take care of that desperately need someone like her to support them. She beamed warmly and you could see her shoulders relax, letting go of some of that pain. For each part, I went through and allowed them space to unburden, just a bit, of what they have been holding on to.
The coolest part of this experience was that as we all let go, I could see their energy connecting with the being in the center and each of my parts had a unique color to their energy. AC was bright blue, Wolf who joined us a little late, sat cuddled up next to the Littles – her’s was silver, Little’s was turquoise, Two’s was yellow, Loved was orange, Armored was crimson, Darkness was a dark blue, Host was green, and Silent’s was Grey. As each Part told me what they needed to let go, I just listened and could visually see their energy flow up to the being and out of the crown of their head.
In return, the being smiled and told us, that they were always here and that they will always be here but that we just needed to stand together, to be there for one another. They repeated over and over, “I will always be here, I am with you, I am always here… don’t forget”.
Then, they gave each part in the circle a gift. They touched our foreheads between our eyes and left a warm bead of light there and then sent more to each of our cores. Everyone had a warm glow inside them; and we deeply felt the energy connecting us.
This visual, as trippy fever dream as it sounds, that is me. That is us. Speaking now I am just a part of that circle, but what makes me – me, the side of me that people find strong and confident, beautiful, wise, loving… it’s a glimpse of my true self… and it’s only accessible when my parts and I are in union together.
In a way, it’s very captain planet. 😉
You know, I think that’s why I cant always see me, or feel “myself”. When I’m lost, and troubled, when I don’t know who I am, it’s because we are lost. One of us is lost. It breaks the circle and breaks the connection to that higher self and that cuts us off from the gifts of the universe that they bring us. Because, I don’t think that visual of my higher self is unique to me. I think everyone has that. I just think, many of us have lost our way to connect to it. And even though it might take me a long time to do this reliably and consistently, I’m really happy to be finding way my way back.
When I left, the therapist said the message she received for me was “You have a choice.” Yes, it was generic, but I don’t mind because, like tarot, it’s less about what is shown to you and more about how you analyze it in the context of where you are at in life. Like a mirror, it’s what you find in that reflection not the mirror itself that matters. In a lot of ways, I find therapy to do the same thing – my therapist plays that role too. And this whole experience has me reflecting on what my intent is for those spaces as well – I look forward to thinking about that more.
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One last thing. These types of experiences, you can call it connecting with God, or the universe, or our past lives, or any other manner of spiritual teaching and in my opinion – it’s all the same. Call it what you will, I really just came out of this with respect and gratitude for the gifts we all have as humans, of how much power we each possess. We all have the power to destroy and the power to create both in the outside world and within ourselves. And I think the important message for me, at this moment in time, is that we can make what we want of ourselves, we are not trapped, we always have a choice. It’s a message I knew, but I somehow forgot. I saw a message online a few days ago about this. It reminded me that maybe I needed to try to connect with these lost parts of wisdom I once had. They had become obscured by all the pain of the last year. The quote that stuck with me and I’ve been sitting with is, “There is always more to learn, but nothing more to know. There’s only knowledge to lose, beliefs to be dismantled around are you who you think you are or who you’re supposed to be.”
Nichole mentioned agency in session yesterday in a completely different context, but I’ve been thinking about that, and I thought about what the reiki practitioner said to me today, that I have a choice. I’m processing these ideas and taking in the message from the post above, connecting the dots the universe was lighting up for me. And I think the message I’m getting is not just about self, but about the inherent strength I possess, the agency to make the choices in my life that bring me the most peace (something I’m realizing is extremely important for me), and to choose who I really want to be one day. If my job makes me unhappy, I don’t have to keep it. Because, somewhere out there is the right balance for me – a livelihood that brings me joy, respects my boundaries, and allows me to connect with others in a more grounded and meaningful way. What I need, is a career that supports the life I want. One that gives me space to prioritize healing and peace for myself, so I can grow and cultivate stronger relationships. Maybe I’m being idealistic, but you can’t whisk up the life of your dreams, without first knowing what you want and be willing to change to achieve it. I’m getting there.
Last weekend, I spent a while reading the story of a man who traveled the world on foot with his dog after losing a close friend at 17. He had a blog where he posted the beautiful photography he captured on his journey and spent a lot of time writing down his own thoughts. I read about his personal philosophy on things and how much he learned about people, the world, and himself.
When I take a look at my current life, it’s not like I’m not grateful for what I have. But sometimes I just feel so burdened by all these attachments. And, I know that I manifested this life consciously. I built this life because I thought it would finally make me feel safe and loved. I built it because of survival and because its what my parents taught me meant I was successful and because that’s what they predicated their pride and love on.
But as a child, I used to dream about one day traveling the world. To not be encumbered by much of anything – free to explore and be creative – free to be myself. Maybe it’s time I start paying attention to that little girl I once was – to manifesting some of her dreams – because, I know I can do it.
I can feel it.