It will be okay, right?
But, I feel inadequate in ever way. I just don’t measure up. I feel lost. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I’m floating in a vast black ocean staring up at a starless night sky.
I walk around and think to myself, “maybe I should kill myself today?”, in the same nonchalant voice that I use to consider whether to snack on an apple or orange. Should I bother living another day? Something to ponder.
I just hate myself so much. So very much. It’s not about the abuse. Okay maybe it is…. I just feel like fighting is pointless. I feel like everything is pointless. I don’t want to go on vacation with my family, the twins. I want to forget they exist because they remind me of… a lot. And I’m tired.
I’m tired of caring about other people. I am empty and filled with emotion at the same time. It’s too much.
Thinking about suicide comes in a few different flavors for me. There’s the classic hopeless pain and despair, can’t take another moment of being alive, where I’m practicing tying a noose around my neck sobbing in anguish. There’s the completely empty and devoid of all feeling variety where I lack the motivation to kill myself but desperately want to. And there’s the idle pondering, rooted in rational thoughts about the futility of existence.
Interestingly, the last one is probably the most dangerous. It reminds me of my brother. He was an athiest. I think he would agree that most of life is fucking pointless. It’s what you make of it. Enjoy it if you want; it’s a gift… but just because someone gives you a gift, doesn’t mean you ever wanted it. Shouldn’t mean you have to like it. Especially when the gift was full of poison… violence. Full of violation. What’s wrong with wanting to return it… because it burned you too deeply. Fried off your skin and rotted your insides.
I’m just afraid there’s nothing left. Who would want the charred pile of ashes that I am? Worthless. Less than worthless. Dirt. Sweep me away with the rest of the trash please. I just hate myself so much.
Who are you? Who am I to you? I am the antichrist to you.