Couldn’t sleep tonight. Woke up at 5am and brain wouldn’t shut off. Overwhelming need to self harm. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don’t want to be me. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want help I just want to be left alone to wither and die.
I just don’t care. I’m waving the white flag. Let me go… please. I’m begging. Please let me go… and if not… at least let me forget. Everything and everyone. I’m okay being an empty shell if that’s what people want from me. You can have it. I just don’t want to think or feel anymore. Forget.. forget….. forget…….
Don’t need anyone’s help, just let me go. Please.
***
No. I don’t need anyone. No one needs me. I need no one.
I took a nap just for a moment. And what did I see? What did I feel. Screams… a woman.. alone at a truck stop… not sure whwt happened to her.. just not good. And screaming. Torturous screams.
And then. A picture of one of us… Hanging ourselves. And the little in us… Holding our hand and asking. “If you go… Will you take me with you?… Will it hurt?” And then she is in the noose, having switched places, and I’m holding her hand while she is hung… that’s what I dream about. For all that anyone cares. I don’t.