I’m sorry I don’t know who I am anymore…
I went to the bar cause that’s all I could think to do. I am normal for Rich both because I was struggling to find my footing and because I don’t want him to worry – he will.
But before, I walked slowly, confused, and then sat in my car for a long long time… janitor guy stared at me like there was something wrong with me… maybe it was concern.. I don’t know most emotions.
I was trying to grasp reality but … just couldn’t. I started to panic and cry a little when I realized how alone I am. But it’s okay. We are okay. We will be okay – because we have us. No one else really matters. Block it all out. Trust is stupid.
I think I tried to hide us though. To find some measure of peace after the rejection. Shannon said she wasn’t leaving but… she hasn’t talked to me in a long time. Hilary says nothing. They were rocks, but not anymore. That’s okay. Everyone always leaves.
Nichole we never trusted anyway.
I am still fractured. One part is just trying to get fucked up enough so that we just sleep. Playing with Richie cause we love him and want him to be happy. Drink and have fun.. he likes that. While inside… crying…tears.. and panic.
But it’s not a lie. Because there is a split. There is a part that is completely fine.. and a part that is terrified of existing. I lost who I was… couldn’t tell up from down. Kept fading in and out … trying to keep us together as one… for everyone.. so I don’t hurt anyone accidentally. I am a monster, after all… and even if I’m not… there is one in here.
And you ask if we are okay… but… does it really matter to you? We don’t believe you…
Her face was so hot it hurt. On fire… from internal strife and confusion… a computer running all cores… too many processes running at one time and nothing to cool us down. We didn’t want to be there.. she didn’t want us to be there.. why do you want to talk to them?
They don’t need to exist to you or anyone…
There is a small voice…. barely audible in the empty chamber of black…. the same one who wanted to tell you.. your stories… and how much they remind us of him…… Eddie. Crushed. Destroyed. Empty.
And the same voice that is so scared and wishing anyone would hep her… but she’s too far inside and no one can hear her screams…
How long do you think we’ll be like this? Is it okay? What if it’s forever?
Why does the heart hurt so much? I suppose none of it matters… just give up for today right? I don’t really know what to do so…… I’ll just… run the program. The daily program…
until it stops hurting again.