I feel bruised. Depressed and like nothing matters. Because it doesn’t. and i could get up and move around and do any number of things to get myself feeling better – but the truth is I don’t want to. Because I feel I like I deserve it. I do. I deserve to suffer for allowing this other part of me to be damaged and abused without ever standing up for her. Using her as a crutch so that I could live a happier life. I don’t know how I could not hate myself for that. And even so I will have to pay a pennance for it – by letting her share all of these memories and body sensations.. all the trauma. I will have to feel it all and I don’t know that I’m strong enough for it. I think I’d rather die because I don’t deserve this body. I’m not worthy of it – or this life.
I honestly crave death. But it’s okay. I deserve to suffer so until that time.. I will just have to punish msyslf – won’t I?
I guess I never felt like this was my body in the first place. It was never mine. It was my dad’s to control – or for other people to sexualize even when I was a child. “It doesn’t belong to me…” Maybe that’s what I told myself for everything that happened to be okay. And maybe I still feel that way – I don’t know if ill ever not feel that way. It’s tattoo’d into my body.
Like Mal from Inception… Where Cobb (her husband) convinces Mal that “their life is not real” so that they could escape the dream world by “killing themselves” in it and return to the present. Then when they did return to the present – the ear worm stuck. She couldn’t break from that feeling… that phrase “my life is not real”. So she continued to want to return to the dream world that she thought was real and killed herself in a misguided attempt to do so.
I get that. I am having a hard time owning this body because of what that means. I have spent a lifetime denying those memories and experiences, telling myself that they didnt matter, and subconsciously they weren’t even mine… And now I’m being asked to own all of it. And no one is better positioned to throw that reality in my face except Deviant. Which is why I’m so scared of her… Her stories. I just don’t think I can do it…
I can’t. I just want all of it to be over.