On the day my brother died i saw R cry, like sob, for the first time. It wasnt really about my brother. R was scared that he would one day lose his brother. You see R’s brother was his guardian for a few years when their dad just decided he didn’t want to parent anymore. Their mom was in in-patient rehab for alcohism at the time.
Sometimes Rs brother struggled with alcoholism too. When I first met R his brother was doing well. Had a good job, lived with his girlfriend and their adorable two kids. He seemed happy.
And then R’s brother lost his job about three years ago. He crawled back into a bottle. His gf kicked him out. And it’s been a rocky relationship with her and being able to see his kids. But, he’d been making it work somewhat. So he had been just okay the past few years.. but Rich worried.
R said to me that night, “So, I texted my brother and told him how much I cared and to please take care of himself. I said to him ‘J at least has another brother… please take care of yourself…you’re the only one I’ve got.'”
I guess I could have taken that poorly but I didn’t. I understood how he was feeling having been afraid of a similar fate befalling my brother for years. And that night I barely thought about myself. Only about everyone else. Take care of everyone else….
Today R and I were playing disc golf in the summer heat on a particularly grueling course when he got a call.
I listened in…
“Oh hi! Um, nope just out and about. I’m okay. I’ll call you later…”
“Who was it?”, I asked internally hoping it wasn’t one of my parents.
“My mom. She said she got one of those weird mom feelings like something happened to me – hah!”
“Huh! Weird..” I smiled.
We returned home exhausted and I went upstairs to start my preventetive routine for heat-stroke related migraines – resting in a pitch black cool room.
About a half hour later, I hear R coming up the stairs. When he reached the room he said…
”So my SIL called…. my brother had a seizure today while he was visiting the kids. They dont know if he had a stroke or if he has brain damage at this point. She’ll call us back in 24 hours…”
My heart sank. My brain still fuzzy from the heat I struggled to understand what R was saying to me. So I reacted like I normally do to alarming news – with a complete lack of emotion at all. “Oh no, that’s not good.” I stared blankly as my eyes fed subtle viusal details to the internal system inside my brain. I scanned his face for emotion to read. Was he sad? Worried? Scared? How did he want me to react? I froze until I could pick up on what I thought he wanted… On what anyone would want… Comfort, support. I tried to soften my tone as I asked questions about what he wanted to do. I wanted to sound like I deeply cared and wasn’t freaking out inside as feelings and thoughts flooded into my mind about the day my brother died, about having to be alone with these thoughts if he’s gone for a week or more…and what this could mean for us if his brother needs full time care. Rs dad is barely able to take care of himself and Rs brother lived with him because otherwise pretty sure he’d be homeless. They didn’t get along at all so it’s a pretty miserable arrangement.
R told me he might need to go there for a few days… his usual chipper smile faded. My anxiety piqued as I knew it meant what i have come to fear. Being alone for days with my own anxious mind. And I would have to put my feelings on hold – something i have really been struggling with lately. I won’t have his support – the support I so heavily rely on for an undetermined amount of time. Then I stopped and scolded myself for being so fucking selfish.
Why do you suck so much? You’re so goddamn selfish. R takes care of you 99% of the time and you can’t support him for once? You really are the worst. Stop worrying about you and keep it together god damnit…
I’m scared. My brain just told me that death is not the end and that I shouldn’t be afraid to die or take my own life. It scares me when that stuff pops into my head intrusively.
I don’t even know why my brain is going there. I think I just have so much anxiety brain is looking for an escape hatch. Im scared. I’m tired of being scared. I hate myself and want to hurt myself because I can’t stop talking about ME which is exactly why I’m the worst.