I.. am so tired. Nightmare… again. I have had several days in a row of absolutely horrible sleep. How long can a person live like this? lol. It’s fine I guess… I feel like I kind of deserve it. Started with the bender… haven’t been able to recover since then.
Last night, after having horrible stomach issues and trying to fall asleep at around 2am. I was weirdly so dizzy… following some feelings i shoved aside resurfacing… i tried to sleep and couldn’t. Woke up again at 4am… wrote some more and then… finally around 5am fell asleep again.
But it was anything but restful. I found myself traveling in this dream. My friends and i wanted to go back to Japan. I was excited! We arrived and for some reason i was too excited and kind of ran ahead and lost track of my friends. I ended up lost in the airport/city.. I was scared and anxious and desperate for someone to help but no one would. No one could understand me. (Sound familiar?) I wandered and searched and finally I found Rich. I was so happy to see him and then we worked on trying to find the rest of our friends. We hopped into this like… small golf cart or power wheels lookin’ thing lol and drove around. But.. I was still so anxious for some reason… Rich was trying to use GPS and i was trying to navigate… its like we were running out of time to catch a train or something and were going to miss our friends. I drove quickly.. and ended up heading towards this rocky embankment I didn’t think was that steep. It turns out it was! We went down and I tried to warn Rich but he fell out.
When he stood up it was clear he’d broken his arm. Like.. bad break, compound fracture could see zig zag broken. I was horrified! It was my fault.. and so now I was super upset and trying to find us a doctor or help. We’re in japan tho and no one understands or is interested in helping. Eventually i do find someone.. and they end up making the situation worse.
In the dream, the “nurse” ends up literally dismembering rich… taking his arm clean off.. Rich is slightly concerned through all of this but barely reacts. I’m horrified that he’s just.. missing an arm now and no one else is concerned. I end up leaving because this is all too much.
I end up finding some place to stay… amongst my family? In this weird like futuristic japanese hostel. I’m in the back in this dark room. I emerge after resting a little and need to use the restroom. I duck into the bathroom closest to my room and… it’s absolutely covered in shit. Like disgustingly everywhere… I’m nauseous and close to vomiting and just… back out horrified.
I try to find someone and tell them. Weirdly.. I try to tell my dad who is outside in the foyer/living room. He barely reacts. Doesn’t care.. but my parents’ friend Bill is oddly there. This guy who I knew growing up, he was a vietnam vet and worked with my dad and then for my dad later. He died about 10 years ago of lung cancer (smoked like a chimney).
He’s there and I see that he’s noticeable embarrassed/upset. Which is odd because I never saw this emotion from Bill ever. He always was nice to me. To us kids. He said I shouldn’t have gone in.. that it’s his bathroom and to stay out… he even sent me a weird text to which I responded that it was disgusting and that he needed to clean it up. So strange.. I don’t even understand what that was about…
I can say it’s not the first time i’ve had “shit” be a part of a nightmare. Like a long time ago when I dreamt of bats shitting all over me. So weird. Veritable shit storm headed my way?
The dream continued as I tried to walk away from all of this and out the back of this facility. I hid around the back of this building.. which kind of felt like a sort of half indoor/outdoor space. It sorta reminded me of a basement from a lot of my other dreams. There was suddenly a big cat in I noticed scrounging for mice. Like a small cougar or wild cat. I hid because I didn’t want to get attacked… the nurse from earlier suddenly came out of the back of the building looking for me? Someone? All i wanted to do was hide…. scared.
I think i woke up again at this point. This dream felt like it lasted… forever. It felt… unsettling and disturbing and I just tossed and turned and whimpered but couldn’t wake up.
I woke up… exhausted again. I forgot a side effect of wellbutrin is vivid dreams.. but with the way my mind works.. it’s just… horror for me. I think maybe… some of the stuff I’m dealing with is just… going to be awful and I’m going to have to just endure it and let it out in words and art and crying.. and however i can. It just has to be the way it is.. and it sucks. I’m so sad and tired today…. but… it is what it is. At least i have soft blankets, and pets… and my cozy house and lil fox. That’s all i have.