I feel sad today. It’s a big playoff game for the Chiefs. But also my parents are back in town and literally 15 min after they landed in KC they were needing help getting a taxi at 11pm on Friday night. Then the next day questions about which phone to buy because my dad lost his. Then help with setting up gmail on his new iPad. And random updates from my mom about this and that. I just don’t care. Why do they smother me like this always? Why won’t they just leave me alone. Do I seriously need to move? I hate myself for feeling this way.
Then messages from friends who I haven’t heard from in months… I’ve been bad about responding but the only reason they reached out is probably because they saw my instagram post (I rarely post.. and when I do its mostly art). I don’t know, I haven’t reached out to them either so its’ fine but; it just sits weird when I haven’t heard from them in months.
Anyway, I still haven’t reached out to the twins in a while… I keep putting it off. I guess, today I feel the weight of the world on me all of a sudden. I kinda feel like my chat group low key finds me annoying too or they’ve just been busy with their own lives so I just feel really alone today.
I miss my brother and I miss life just being Rich and I and not having to babysit my parents constantly. It’s too much.
I haven’t started taking the anti-depressant cause I had a really good day yesterday. But my quality of sleep is still shit. My neck has been in pain for two or three weeks at night – its horrid (I stopped going to the chiropractor so not surprised).
Worst of all I just realized how my own bed is a trigger for feeling small and frozen. I thought, I just liked curling up in a ball.. but all this time it’s been an emotional trigger. I freeze, I feel scared. And I’m starting to realize why and that makes me sad…
Just got done playing a soccer game and my knee popped pretty badly twice and now it hurts to walk – pretty sure I sprained it. Hopefully it’ll be okay I just feel… exhausted… tired… unloved.. sad.. alone.. abandoned. I feel my EPs coming out of the woodwork.
This is why people thought I was bipolar. Maybe I am. Is that even possible on top of DID? I don’t know if it matters. I’m just trying to get through today. I keep hearing someone say “I love you” over and over inside my head but I don’t know who it is… “please don’t hurt me.. i love you.”