In the middle of a meeting I was transported to my brothers funeral for some unknown reason. I was so focused on holding my mother up, while walking up to his casket, I barely had time to process what was happening.
It didn’t look like Eddie at all. It’s like that line from Sherlock (tv series) when a serial killer describes what a dead body looks like in television vs real life. “In real life, dead people look like things.” That was the unsettling feeling I felt as I looked in silent horror at my brother’s almost foreign body inside the casket.
I snapped myself out of it and focused on the meeting. But afterwards did a leftie sketch of my brother. (I find this helps me get out of my own head sometimes as I have to focus on the physicality of drawing rather than the detail as much). Some tears. Really missing him today. Damn, thought I was gonna be good today.
Trying to focus on breathing. Trying to observe what I’m feeling from a distance. Grief, pain, sadness, loss, depression, chest hurts.
This is okay, it’s acceptable and it’s expected. Breathe.
We are gonna be okay, right Jess?