It was a good day today overall. I do have a rebound headache.. possibly another migraine coming on which is a bit strange but other than that I felt good. I had such an awesome fucking session with Ben last night I was feeling really loved and warm and fuzzy and happy and safe and secure… and I could go on. lol We talked about so many things and it was open and honest and I did really great at verbalizing my thoughts instead of freezing up. I think a lot of that was because I came clean about how my parts are feeling towards him. And of course, he didn’t shame or make me feel bad about it, so it just felt like I unburdened those parts. After all, most of them are just trying to employ some version of a survival/coping mechanism. So last night I just let myself rest since I had a pretty bad migraine earlier in the day.
But this morning, I woke up feeling pretty good. I don’t know I just felt like me. Over the last month I had really struggled with what “self” was – all I had to really go on was the IFS definition of self which has been touted a lot in my chat group. I brought that up in my session with Nichole today and I feel so much better. She said, that I shouldn’t let anyone tell me what “self” is for me. That IFS is cool and all but it doesn’t always perfectly fit with DID and this might be one of those cases for me.
Because I gotta be honest. Today, I felt like me. Not quite old me because I have a much better understanding of who I actually am and am continuing to better understand “me” – but a better version, a more stable, secure, resilient version. One who is starting to recognize her own boundaries and actually enforce them with people and for herself.
I of course, have a long ways to go, but I feel like all of the struggle of the past few weeks really put some perspective on where the edges of my boundaries are in relationships but also for my own physical and mental health too. And, I’m also starting to learn not to feel so bad or ashamed about stuff. That yeah, I might fuck up from time to time, but hey, I’m learning. I don’t mind apologizing for my mistakes as long as people are okay with also giving me grace in return – grace to do better and to try again.
I guess one of the biggest takeaways is this. Nichole explained what “Fawning” is to me. That there’s fight, flight, freeze… but also fawn. And that’s this coping mechanism that we become what everyone else what’s us to be to preserve the attachment. Because we feel like we can’t be ourselves less they reject us. And that. That right there struck a major chord for me. It’s literally what I do my entire life because I’ve never felt safe to be “me”. But also, because I haven’t always known who “me” is.. I’m learning that.
It’s also relevant because that’s one of the reasons I got so upset w/ my friend this last week. I have always tried to hide how bad i feel.. and I thought it was a safe place to be able to be real – that yeah I’m struggling – because of a number of reasons.. and when I show that? I got judgment, that it was somehow my own doing because I didn’t hold boundaries, or because of the therapist I was seeing, or whatever, and just.. no. That 100% reinforces me hiding my pain and makes it so that – its not longer a place for me to feel safe. I can’t be around someone like that – I just can’t. Especially because I’ve never once cast that kind of judgment towards her.
It feels validating as fuck but I still feel a little bad about it. So I’ll think about how to best to approach without putting her in the defense mode. Meanwhile, reflecting on my own “fawning” behavior is a big one. It’s a massive thing to sit with and something I want to get better about – not doing – and being more authentic about how I feel. Honestly, darkness is pretty happy about this. She wants me to be more of a ruthless honest as fuck bitch. lol hahahah I doubt I’ll ever go that far but… it is part of what makes me funny when I channel some of her brutal honesty and temper it with my social tact lol. My ex said that about me a long time ago – that I’m witty because I just say what’s on everyone’s mind w/ reckless abandon sometimes. I suppose darkness has been here all along.
I also told Nichole how I have felt Darkness change since I was first introduced to her. How she started out as this monster sitting alone in a void w/ this skull face and black ooze coming out of her mouth… to seeing her for who she is… the angry teenager part who’s pretty pissed about what happened to her and wants me to fucking stand up for myself. And how my relationship with her is changing. How I can now recognize when she needs my attention better, and how better to handle it. I’m becoming less afraid of anger because I’m starting to recognize it for what it is – an alarm – a notification on your phone saying hey – something is up here and it’s not right. Maybe let’s listen to what this part has to say about the situation and maybe there’s some wisdom there?: )
I’m just, really fucking proud of myself this week. Of the past two weeks. With all of the shit storm of crap on my shoulders, I came out of it with lessons learned and growth. Is it too much to say, I love myself today? Because I really feel it. And maybe that’s something I can feel proud of, even if just for one day.