I haven’t dreamt much since my brother died, but it seems like a reliable way to disrupt my sleep, is to bring up anything related to my “personas”. Horrendous nightmare fuel.
Last time I got 2 hours of sleep then in those 2hrs, it ended up feeling like a decade long nightmare. I don’t actually remember it now – but I remember it had to do with murder and feeling alienated. I’ve had dreams like this before – where I’m somehow complicit in a murder and have to decide whether to bury the secret (or body) or turn myself in. Sometimes I’m being pursued sometimes not. I don’t think I’ve murdered anyone lol so I usually chalk this up to referring to a deeply held and dark secret I want to keep hidden. But what, I’m not always sure.
This time was similar. Talked about “other personalities”, couldn’t sleep last night – up until the sun started to peek through. When I did fall asleep, I had this strange dream where I was new on campus (college?). I met a few other kids on campus and one kid in particular I liked. He was a school news reporter.
I remember one evening in this dream, I pulled into the parking lot where other folks were parked and in varying states of getting shit outta their cars to get to class or to a sports event or something (never mind it’s pitch black outside lol, though there are bright parking lot lights). My car crept slowly across the parking lot and I noticed the brakes were being wonky or the acceleration was erratic, I couldn’t quite tell. So I decided to pull into a spot and park. This was fine, it was the fact that I knew my car was fucked up and decided to get back in it anyway later in the dream.
After walking around campus talking to some folks I decide to get back in the car and go home. I get in and slowly snake around the parking lot and see the kid I like; the reporter. I ask if he wants a ride? He hops in to my delight. I see an opening between a couple of cars and a faster way to exit the lot so I creep through. And it happens, the brakes are out again. I don’t want to panic my passenger but Im obviously a little concerned. At this point we are only going like 5 mph so I’m not freaking out but this isn’t ideal. I try to stop the car but end up slowly pushing into the car in a spot in front of me and someone who was in it jumps out alarmed. My car keeps going and pushes their car outta the way. Almost like it’s accelerating on its own a little. After literally scraping by that other car I don’t know what to do. I start honking and we yell at folks to get outta the way – I don’t want to just run into a wall and the car is accelerating even more so I end up driving us on onto a road haphazardly. This is where it gets bad.
I see a bunch of cyclists. Then a crowd. Then I realize I’m behind a big group of cyclists as there’s a race going on. And the crowd is strangely close to the side of the road. The road then starts to go down hill and we follow as I am trapped in to this course I somehow ended up in. My cars brakes were not working great before and slowly as we speed up – I can tell they’re completely gone and the accelerator is broken too. My car picks up speed as we head down hill getting closer to the group of cyclists.
My passenger starts to panic and I start to panic internally. I don’t know what to do. We are going down a steep hill and approaching a long bridge where we won’t be able to get out of the way of the pedestrians.
I have to make a decision. At this point there’s no escape. Do I plough into the cyclists from behind? Likely killing athletes as I mow over them? Or do I try to find the least populated spot in the crowd and turn in and pray I don’t kill anyone? Doesn’t seem likely and there’s kids and families and I don’t have time to pick and choose. Optimally I would just drive off the bridge and into the water likely killing myself and my passenger but there’s people everywhere and no escape and the decision has to be made now to minimize casualties.
“No, No, No, No…” my passenger is terrified as he realizes the same options I just have. I make the decision. I try to pick a less populated area of the crowd just before I hit the first cyclist at the back of the crowd and I jerk my steering wheel hard to the right. My goal is to drive us into the icy water below. If I kill anyone, at least I’ll be dead too. Sorry about my pal though.
As I turn the steering wheel I see them. A family, couples, innocent people cheering and a flash of horror as they see my car veer into view. I hit one, then another, the thuds on the hood of the car are nauseating and my passenger is crying in horror. We make it through the crowd but not without the knowledge I just killed several people. I close my eyes content with what’s about to happen as my car drives off the bridge/road and is airborne momentarily before slamming into the water.
You’d like to think, this would be the end of the dream but, no. Sadly my imagination is pretty intense. I “wake up” in the dream from blackness. My car is in a weird warehouse or airport like hanger – its clearly been fished out of the water. I don’t know where my passenger is, likely dead – body still in the water. I don’t know how I’m here but I’m soaking wet and mostly unclothed. I stumble outside and realize there’s some small surf shops near by and I quietly duck nearby listening to the TV news report. “18 killed, mowed over by an out of control car and it’s driver and passenger. Driver still at large.” On the TV they show my car mowing over people, it’s horrific. I feel deep shame and sadness and horror all in one. Why didn’t I just die??? What do I do? Do I turn myself in?? I just killed people I don’t deserve to live. I contemplate killing myself or trying to by jumping off the bridge again – maybe this time it’ll work. Instead I notice the surf shop has some beach clothes on a rack outside so I nab some clothes and think.
What happened to the reporter? What the fuck happened to my car? Am I really at fault? Did I really kill those people? What have I done? So many questions I want answered.
I decide, I’m going to make a run for it.
And thats it, it ended there. I woke up with deep anxiety, horrified, feeling that I did something deeply wrong and am trying to hide it – that I’m an awful person who doesn’t deserve to live. I should kill myself.
What the hell are these feelings and why are they tied to bringing up my personas? I’m scared. :<