It’s just not a good day. I don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on anything. Nothing feels meaningful. I want to feel like I’m being dramatic but it doesn’t quite feel that way.
I am sitting here wondering what I am living for.
My career is fun enough, but nothing super impactful. I’m proud of what I accomplished but I don’t feel the need to do any more of the same. They would be fine.
This past weekend. My parents noticed my coldness. They did their best to make comments that sought to manipulate me… make me feel guilty or ashamed of my distance. But I didn’t really feel ashamed. I just felt… tired. Tired of arguing, tired of pretending…. just tired.
On the first night there, my brother, was drunk. He was drunk on the second night.. and probably would be the third night if we’d stayed there another night. When he’s that drunk he struggles to stay upright… no judgment I’ve been there plenty of times… but it hurts to see it anyway.
But that night, I had a nice moment. My niece Emma noticed I had some art supplies in my luggage and she wanted to check it out. So I unpacked my “hobbies” bag and out came all the colors and paper and artsty crap I bring with me everywhere. She loved it. But then something surprising happened. My niece walked in and sat on the bed where Emma and I were playing with art stuff. She joined in and made some sketches… they asked to see my digital portfolio so I shared it… Ava is actually pretty good little artist even though she claimed not to be. Emma is really great too for her age (she’s 9). I never thought I’d have a moment like that… ever.
And you know for as long as I can remember I was always nervous about kids. Probably because of how I grew up… being a kid did not seem like a good thing… why would I have wanted to have some of my own? Kids just get beat and used and controlled.
But over the years as I got to spend more and more time with my nieces and nephews and through my career in making kids software….I started to change my feelings a little. I softened to the idea. But by the time i was ready to try… well it wasn’t as easy as I thought. I worried because of my thyroid condition… age.. R’s age… and yea it was tough. I gave up before we even really started… just logistical problems between he and I.. heh. Nothing I could really do about it personally… so I just kind of gave up and assumed we wouldn’t have kids.
And then that moment happened with my two nieces who sat there enamored with my art… with me… it felt like something I had always wanted but didn’t know it. And it felt like something I wanted my entire life but never thought I would get…
And so even though I went home a little angry because of how my folks said goodbye to me… the moments that I cherished were the ones with the kids. Even R had an awesome moment w/ the twins when we all went out on the lake together. It was nice….
And by the time I got home I thought… maybe we could try again… maybe I was feeling well enough, to try.. and then the news.
I’m over 35, high risk.. for a number of reasons… physically and mentally it might be difficult for me to have a child and yet I was willing… I didn’t want to tell anyone in case nothing came of it… but now I don’t think I can. If something bad were to happen…miscarriage, or ectopic, or heaven forbid a non-viable pregnancy that needs to be terminated (no heartbeat)…. the risk is too great.
So then, I’m back to where I was. Wondering what the fucking point of it all is. Other than R…. I don’t think I care about anyone enough. I even think R would actually understand. He’d be heartbroken… but he’d understand. So then there’s you… I would feel bad, I do feel bad…. but I wonder if maybe a little part of you would still understand?
Not asking for forgiveness. Just understanding.
And in case I haven’t said it lately. Thank you. For making the last year and a half bearable. You’re really the only person who has. Don’t ask me why I have more people I trust….i mean you know why. Typically ends badly when I let people in… I’m.. a lot for most people. Too much. Is what it is… don’t really feel bad about it… but I understand it and I don’t blame people.. and its just my lot in life to be an intensely private person who never fully trusts anyone lol. *shrug*