Tonight? I’m staring at the belt and the place it will hang. For real. I want to be with my brother I think he may have been the only one that ever protected me or at least tried.
“R, I know it will hold my weight because you hung it up and made sure this was sturdy enough for pull ups – safe – and you always did everything you could for me because you were that awesome. The problem is I never deserved it.
I want you to know I love you so much R. You deserve every happiness in the world. You deserve it all. Please do whatever you can to make yourself happy. Sell the house, give away the animals, they’ll be with me soon anyway. Live your life. I love you so much always and forever.
To my parents. You suck. Die already.
To my brother – Fuck, I’m sorry. But, let’s be honest, you never liked me anyway.
To my nieces and nephews. You’re amazing – don’t let the catastrophies of your life limit you the way I did. Find a way around it, be loud about what you need, never silence your voice because it’s literally magic, you are pure inspiration, you have so much value just as you are and you deserve love. Know this, I loved you, and your family and friends love you. I just didn’t love myself.
To my friends – you were the greatest joy I ever had, never stop living life exactly as you are – that’s what I want. That’s my dying wish. Prosper and be amazing.”
I think it’s enough that I sit here and hold the belt and stand on the chair and write this on my phone breaking down into tears intermittently. I think that is enough tonight, maybe it won’t always be, but it is tonight.
Need drugs, lots. Sleep.
Damn. I’m sorry I’m so weak and pathetic.