Excerpt from my Journal:
APRIL 14
I don’t know why I’m thinking about this. I can’t process everything, and in the end I feel like crap. Being reminded of DS consistently, and now seeing my cousin more frequently.. ugh. It’s not the worst of it, but it adds to my feeling like a failure.
I know my dad gave me a black eye once, I still went to work the next day and my parents sent me back home cause of my face lol. That sucked, but that was not as bad as witnessing my dad hitting my brothers.
I remember one incident in particular. We were lightly renovating the inside of one of our first rental houses. My brother J and my mom were painting and I was sort of helping.. I was like 6 at the time. My dad came from downstairs and saw that my brother Eddie wasn’t helping us. He got pissed and found him outside doing whatever, but not helping. Then Eddie said something my dad didn’t like… and it set him off. My dad can turn on a dime emotionally, he started yelling at him and started smacking him into a corner. My mom and brother J kinda looked but sort of ignored the scene… like they knew Eddie was in trouble before my dad even went outside. And there I stood… watching my dad basically wail on my brother, now with his belt. I watched in horror as Eddie shrank into a corner crying and scrunching up, my heart was racing. I looked at my mom and brother and they said nothing. NOTHING. They just kept painting and ignoring the scene. And I was terrified if I said anything I’d get my dad’s wrath but I couldn’t help it and I screamed at him to stop, which was ignored. It was all over in a flash but Eddie was stuck in the corner sobbing. I couldn’t do anything. I could never do anything.
Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but to the little girl I was – it was horrific. Every time one of my brother’s would get beat, I felt it in my core. And now, I feel a lot of guilt.. that I wasn’t more there for Eddie, not there enough for everyone who needs me. Not present enough. When you needed me the most, I was not there for you.
“This enormous wave of guilt. Tsunami of intense pain. I should have done more, I could have done more. I failed my brother, myself, my family. I’m the worst. I am the worst. All I cared about was myself. I shut myself down and away from my family on purpose – this is what happens. I failed them and myself.
I’m sorry Eddie – it’s my fault. I should have been there for you. Now I’m there for the twins and that’s all I can do – but it should be you… it should have been you. I’m sorry.“
April 6
All of this, It’s an enormous amt of pressure and pain and it makes me want to self-destruct so so so bad.
Part of me is struggling to understand these events in my life, that I’ve largely ignored or distanced myself from. Even the week Eddie was sick, I tried to avoid thinking about it – admitting how scared I was… caring. And that’s the whole issue.. I feel like a complete piece of shit for not facing the tough events in my life – for always running away or ignoring issues – because I was scared I would fall apart or would get hurt. It was easier if I just didn’t care or took myself out of the equation. And now it’s like there’s all of a sudden a reckoning of all of these events, everything culminating in my brother’s death. I know it was Covid, but really, I feel like Eddie died of neglect. He was alone. He was never able to hold a relationship, he suffered the same way I do sometimes, but I was able to move on to some degree… by leaving everything behind and this is the price that’s paid.
What I’m left with is my sweet brother gone and a few specific people who did crappy things still buzzing at the periphery of my life, like annoying mosquitos, just won’t leave you alone. I am put in this position that I have to feel bad for these people, maintain the status quo of their lives by staying quiet – I don’t want to ruin any more relationships, I even have to support them at times – make them feel better and less like pieces of shit by acting like everything is okay. These people who have caused me immense amount of pain.. especially my dad who caused my brother immense pain… what do I do with that now that my brother’s story has ended so tragically?
To be honest the only person I have the opportunity to confront is my dad. I could tell him how I feel – to tell him he likely destroyed Eddie in immeasurable ways, as if he doesn’t already know. But who am I to judge? And it’s not the right time anyway, also somewhat scared he’d try to hurt me. When he found out I had a tattoo he started getting crazy and I literally ran out of the house and hid near some shrubs at a neighbour’s house – I was 23 lol. So I should just shut up, right? Typical Jess.