I think… it’s so weird how clearly I can see the personas manifest in me now. It’s like I couldn’t see them at all – they were blurry – and now they’re like… real. I don’t know if that’s good or not hahaha 🤣
Tonight, I was The Achiever. She likes to pretend to be confident. She puts on a good show. She prides herself on cutting through the bull shit (this includes difficult emotions) and getting to the core of a matter.
To the achiever, anything is possible, it just takes a little effort. And the reason things are challenging to some people is because people are just too lazy or weak (her words lol).
So she doesn’t take compliments well, because she feels the bar is already set so low for most things it’s laughable. And if she does fail at something, it’s only because she didn’t really try, which means it’s likely not that important to her or uninteresting. She has a bit of an ego but is charming enough that it serves her well in navigating the politics of business.
She doesn’t particularly care about people, but does like teamwork if it gets her closer to her goals. And though she is more standoffish with the others she has grown close to The Host.
One more thing, she is also the voice that never gives up (useful when working out lol).
So… maybe it was her or maybe it was one of my other personas but someone snapped me out of my descent into darkness. She was terrified, begging, crying, and pleading for me to walk away Monday night. You see, The Forgotten clawed her way out from the depths of my psyche and seized control; she wanted revenge. A reckoning for ignoring her all these years; she wanted the blackness of death.
So who in my theatre was crying when The Forgotten was holding the noose? I could feel it, like two people in the same room, one blind with rage and one scared beyond measure that the other was serious this time. The crying was like a distant echo. Was it The Silent? No…she is tired of cutting into herself; of being quiet when she has so much to say, of being ignored. She was okay with it. The Deviant? She’s not happy about the method, but doesn’t really care as she’s pretty self-destructive anyway. And The Host was concerned, but lacked the verbal ammunition to coax control back from The Forgotten.
And The Dreamer is a husk and dreamed of escaping to Mexico, so no opinion. The Faceless? She was silent as the grave. She likes to tell stories from the past and this was poignantly present.
So then, The Innocent…?
Oh. There we go. Unexpectedly, her sobbing is what broke through the painful scorn of The Forgotten. I couldn’t do that to The Innocent. Kill a little girl? Even the imaginary one inside me? It was too much.
I shook with sobs and put down the belt and scooted my rolling chair back. What, then? This stress and pain is too much. I downed a bunch of pills with some tequila, smoked up, and passed out, hard.
The next day I woke up; and for a moment I was surprised. I palpitated my body and a wave of unexpected relief filled me.
I was still alive. Crazy.
Back to work.