This AM: Can’t. stop. crying.
***
I don’t know how I feel. Sometimes I feel like the good moments, the moments where I’m entirely lucid, hopeful even, are stolen. I don’t really deserve them; I’m a thief. I’m a monster reaching up from hell to grasp a glimmer of hope before being kicked back down where I belong.
And I should stay there, because in the end, the warmth and happiness end up being torturous, a tease, because I know it won’t last. So I start to get anxiety about when I’ll stop feeling that way. Or I’ll start to feel guilty for feeling that way when there are parts of me in so much anguish. All that starts my downward spiral. Cruel joke really.
Ben thinks I’m on my way towards something better. Urges me not to just give up hope. He writes that he’s hopeful that it won’t always be this way for me. He’s right, it won’t… it could be worse. lol
I just don’t even know what to say. I miss my stupid cat. I miss my brother. I feel lost. I don’t know who I am really. I probably never will feel comfortable with my identity. It’s not even that I feel like killing myself necessarily. I just don’t care about anything. I don’t want to care about anything. I kinda just wish they’d take me back to that room where Falco went… and put me out too.
I wonder if Ben would be disappointed in me if I killed myself. Or if he’d understand. I would hope he’d understand.
I’m not special. I don’t matter. None of it matters. It’s all gone in a flash. All we have is the present moment. I’ve given so much despite the pain and heartache I have always felt. I just feel like i’ve given enough, I tried hard enough. Why isn’t it ever enough?
Why can’t it be enough now?
Why do I have to keep going? I just don’t get it.
Please someone put me out of my misery.
***
Ugh. Why am I like this? I hate myself for being this way – I don’t want to bother others w/ my problems or whine about it. I should just go back to burying it all and making others happy and be content with knowing I’ll never be content. Maybe I’m just tired.
Life is so very exhausting, I just want to sleep forever. Why is that so bad?
***
One more random AF thought.
One day the kids will be young adults. And their parents are all lacking in the mental health department. I know my brother straight up dismisses emotions he perceives as “weak”… lot of toxic masculinity. I hate seeing it. The other two try their best but… have their own probs (damn who doesn’t?)
The twins will undoubtedly have issues.
I can imagine a time where all my suffering and heart ache and processing through that… could come in handy for my nieces/nephews one day, if they find my thoughts useful. I had a weird flash… a vision maybe?
Christmas. The kids are all grown. They’re over at my place… talking… laughing… and I feel nothing but warmth. Love.
Maybe that’s something to stick around for….