Spirited Away

I sat in bed tonight with a new sketchbook and fancy Blackwing pencil I got for Christmas. I wanted to sketch something quickly but I couldn’t decide what, so I went with a scene from one of my favorite Ghibli movies.

I don’t know why I picked this one. I think I wanted some comfort and this was a movie that always brought me joy.

Today I had a sports massage at the insistence of my physical therapist. I knew it would hurt.. but be better for me in the long run. I was pretty bruised up afterwards but I anticipated that – I bruise easily – always have. I went ahead and stayed for the CrossFit group workout. Im trying to dial it up to at least 3x a week. It was going okay, but there was a lot of running and for whatever reason my body was not having it. Maybe it was the massage – I don’t know but there was also box jumps involved today. Exhausted I missed one and fucked up my shins pretty bad. I kept going.

Better yet, afterwards, I couldn’t stop coughing. I went to my car and tried to drink water but it persisted until I got home. In this day and age one might think – Covid? But I knew it wasn’t that when I heard myself wheezing.

Did you know that asthma is linked to adverse childhood experiences? My friend told me this. I actually didn’t realize I even had it until I was an adult. I worked out way more as an adult than as a kid and sometimes I would notice I had trouble breathing and would cough a lot after a tough workout with lots of intense cardio. I finally saw a doc for it about 8 years ago and apparently exercise indicated asthma is a thing.

This was a bad attack. After spending 20 min searching for my inhaler, I finally found sweet relief. But then I was exhausted and I looked down at the rapidly forming blue and red bruises all over my legs. I just wanted to sleep.

Unfortunately, my brain and body have other plans. I woke up at 3am in pain. My legs hurt no matter which way I lay and my brain keeps reminding me of a few upcoming events.

This week my brothers house goes up for sale. And this weekend is my friend TKs funeral. A little over a week after that is the one year anniversary of my brothers death.

And then, in all his sweetness R setup a weekend at a hotel here on the plaza for our wedding anniversary. I find myself anxious about all of these things.

There will be lots of difficult emotions over the coming weeks and I can’t help but feel like I owe my husband some quality time after all that… specifically with my body. We haven’t been intimate in a really long time… and the thought of it terrifies me. I keep thinking that I’ll maybe just get really drunk and let him do what he wants… and that thought makes me want to break down into painful sobs. I don’t need my body for a night do I? It’s okay to just give it to him… what does it matter? I owe him for all the support this year… right?

I feel guilty and shame for not wanting to be with him in a way a wife should want to. Shame for being so broken, I feel like he got the short end of the stick marrying me. I wish I could tell him to move on from me because I’m too fucked up…I’ve actually tried in the past. He remains steadfast and happy with me and it just makes me feel more guilty. So I’ll give him anything he wants – even if I have to get blackout drunk to do it. I just feel like trying to explain it… I can’t. I don’t have the strength and I’d just feel guilty anyway.

Right now, everything hurts. All I can do is take it one day at a time and dissociate my way through the hard parts. Maybe that’s why I sketched this scene tonight. I can’t help but wish I could also be Spirited Away.