Today laying here I felt really sad. I got lost in this feeling of aloneness… but not me just her. And feeling aimless and like there’s nothing to do… just waiting for someone to make my life better. To entertain me… like the little girl in the hidden room waiting for the other little girl to come back and spend time w/ her. Just waiting all I could feel was that… no one loved me. That i was alone and …
also a flashbacks of hiding in my bed under blankets listening to arguing.. or maybe someone getting hit… or i don’t know. Just curled up in a ball hiding.. and afraid. And it made me feel dead and sad and alone. No one loves me. That’s just how she feels.
That part of me. She accepts it as truth. How could anyone love her? She didn’t exist to the outside world. Really what she wants .. is for someone to just hold her and tell her she matters. But I can’t give that to her… no one can.
She didn’t matter back then. She barely matters now… as much as it hurts to say. And you obviously don’t deserve that level of kindness if you’ve done nothing to earn it.
That’s the rhetoric going through my head. Unworthy of care, unworthy of love, unworthy of touch, unworthy of being seen at all…
All of those things she feels and has accepted. It is just her world.
The only time we are cared for is when.. we earn it .. or because they can have sex with us afterwards. This is known to her as well.. even as a child part. She has lots of questions about sex… she said she’d seen it.. through the hole in the wall. Think it was just adult me though…
I do have pretty strong memories of being touched and stroked between my legs as a child. I think the might be real. It’s fine. It’s whatever. Doesn’t matter. I guess my innocence was tempting… i guess i can understand a predator thinking that. i mean… i would never feel that way in a million years but… i guess i’m just trying to figure out a way to understand. To make it make sense.
I hate my body.
That’s what i hear all of a sudden. We didn’t want to be touched like that. Why would he just leave us alone? Why? Please go away we don’t want you in here.. please?
I want to hide again. To keep myself safe. Is that okay? If I hide? I’m sad and dizzy.