This is for my T, but he’s on vacation so I’m leaving it here.
The Silent:
I wanna know. If you’d be disappointed in me for kms. Or if even a tiny part would be happy that I no longer would be suffering.
I know there are reasons, good ones to stay alive for as long as possible. But how long can I reasonably live in pain before it’s too much? Before what you’re asking of me is too much?
There is nothing special about me that would be lost. I’m just one in billions – so many of which are far more important or relevant. I’m not anything. I don’t feel like I matter. I never have and I came to be okay with that because at least some people liked me, because I made some people feel good about themselves… I liked that.
It’s just, that it never changed my mind. Not really. I still feel like a used up rag, tattered and tossed aside. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel that way.
The part of me that occasionally sees hope? I don’t know who that is. I don’t know her. She’s a stranger to me. Do you know her? I think she might be delusional. Pretending to see hope because it makes others happy, like she’s making progress.
Except that many of us don’t believe her. She wants you to be happy. So maybe she says the right things. Maybe she actually believes it, I’m not really sure. It certainly makes me question her sanity for this blind faith in humanity, in herself, for reasons I can’t fathom.
Because the evidence is certainly clear on humanity – we really blow. And her, nothing special. So I can only guess she just wants you to be proud of her (pathetic) or she just doesn’t want you to worry. I think it’s closer to that tbh. It’s not that she’s lying to you, I think she really believes in you.. in herself… but I don’t.
My chest hurts, constantly. Crushed by the weight of existential depression. Sometimes I am curious about the science of what made me this way. Sometimes, I don’t give a fuck because I am the way I am and there’s no point in understanding why. It doesn’t matter, I can’t change it. I just have to live with it and like you said, it’s painful, it hurts.
Am I weak for not being able to endure it? I wonder that sometimes. People endure much more than me and some come out motivational speakers. Is that what you think will happen? One day I’ll just wake up and the lights will always be on, no more darkness?
It doesn’t seem that way. It seems like a long and arduous road filled with despair, crushing guilt, shame, pain, and remembering things maybe better left forgotten. And what’s the alternative? I pretend it’s not there .. try to carry on till I snap one day anyway?
Awesome. What the fuck is the point? I just don’t care. I think maybe some of us walking on this earth are already dead inside. Maybe that’s why our society is crumbling. Why would you want to bring more kids into this shit show? Delusional hope that they won’t get irreparably damaged, like me? Or that when they do they’ll be okay?
Rose colored glasses from a privileged point of view. I get it. But maybe that’s why you don’t get it. Why you don’t see the wisdom in letting go. Or maybe you do, it’s just not allowed for you to say so, because of your role. I get it.
That’s okay, in the end I’ve always done whatever the fuck I wanted.
Why would I listen to a world who never listened to me?
—///—
God damnit. I’m going to try… but this is what is with me… I don’t know how to fight this… I’m so scared. There’s just so much pain and I can’t… I can’t help her.. at least I let her talk.. but it hurts me so much. I’m sorry I’m so pathetic. I wish I was stronger like you or so many other people… but I’ve never been strong… I’ve always been weak and taken advantage of because of desperation to be loved.. it’s all so pathetic I feel pathetic. I understand why she wants to die… and I don’t .. I don’t want to hurt you or anyone else .. I’m so sorry. I just wish I wasn’t like this .. why can’t I just be normal?