From My Journal:
Apr 30
I’ll talk about it this once and then let it rest again. Its uncomfortable to talk about but *shrug* – maybe it’ll help.
When I was a little girl I had quite a few cousins around. I loved visiting my dads side of the family because there were a lot of kids around my age and they liked to play, as opposed to my brothers who often weren’t interested in me.
But I had one particular cousin who I really loved hanging out with and he liked hanging out with me a lot too.
He was about 2 years older than me (I was maybe 6 at the time) and it was one of the first times I had a male friend – like a brother really – who actively liked spending time with me. It felt so good to have that bond – and it made me genuinely happy – and stood in stark contrast to the rejection I often got at home.
One day my cousins (him and his younger sister) were over at our house. And we were watching TV on the ground level living room of our house. My mom was upstairs in the kitchen. The laundry room was off to the right side of the living room and I suddenly heard him gently call me from the door to come join him in the laundry room.
I kinda looked at him funny, but I trusted him, so I left his sister watching TV and I joined him in the laundry room.
In the corner near the washer and dryer he had set up a small pile of blankets – like bedding really and he told me to get under it.
I said why? And he said just to do it, that it’ll be fun. I thought it was weird but whatever sure. So I climbed under the covers and he climbed in and laid down next to me.
At this point it’s a little fuzzy – I honestly can’t remember if he asked me to get undressed or not but he definitely asked if he could touch me. I was shocked and uncomfortable – but I didn’t want to upset him because he was my friend….
So I let him stick his hand down between my legs and fondle me for a while and then he asked if I wanted to touch him. I said no. He said it’ll be fun come on… and he grabbed my hand and made me touch his penis and fondle him as well. I stopped and he asked me to keep doing it – I was so uncomfortable I didn’t really know what was happening.
At one point my mom came in the laundry room and because neither of us had pants on properly and were under the blanket he leaned in close and whispered in my ear “Dont say anything we’ll get in trouble…” so I laid there extremely still and apparently went unnoticed as my mom walked in and out none-the-wiser.
Afterwards we got dressed and he reiterated not to tell anyone. I think this may have happened a few other times but I honestly can’t remember as I’ve tried my best to forget it ever happened.
As I grew older, I actively avoided being anywhere near him. We never talked about it and at one point my parents asked about my weird behavior towards my cousin – we used to be friend what happened? I just told him I didn’t like him but not why. Our families drifted apart so I rarely saw him past age 10.. but I can still remember how he whispered in my ear – the way his words stick at the end as if you could hear the moisture in his mouth. I can even remember the way he smelled – sweet and musty and his skin that was soft but lightly sweaty. I can remember that even 30 years later.
When I went to his mom’s funeral late last year I had not seen him in like 25 years. I hugged him and told him I was sorry about his mom, I meant it…. And he leaned in and whispered in my ear, just like he had 30 years ago, and said “thank you”.