Inspired by someone’s casual doodle. : )
I wonder. What would it be like to be my authentic self around my family. To be open about my struggles about my hopes and dreams and have it all be listened to and encouraged and supported. To be openly bi/pan and have it be acknowledged and accepted so that I didn’t have to hide that part of me or any part.
What would it be like to feel loved in a way that didn’t hurt?
I feel threatened when people get too close to me – emotionally, but sometimes physically too. When someone shows genuine care and speaks in a soft and gentle tone… it makes my heart race. I freeze because for someone to care, to notice me, how uncomfortable I am, means they’re priming to hurt me. Maybe not today, or next week, but eventually.
Why are you acting like that…
Stand up straight
Quit whining
I don’t want to hear it
Why can’t you just act like your mother?
I’ll give you something to cry about
Don’t cause trouble or else
I love you… why don’t we see you more?
Eventually the sweetness of love turns bitter and cold when I don’t do exactly as I’m told. If I don’t stay quiet, or if disagree with what they think is best for me, I’m punished. Berated into submission with the threat of violence, a massive dark shadow, looming behind it all.
What would it be like to feel comfortable around people? To feel like I belonged in a room full of women or to feel at ease when sitting in a room with a male authority figure, or to just be happy to be around family. To not feel like a complete alien in a room, even when I’m surrounded by friends. I wonder about these things because they seem so foreign and unattainable to me. I wonder if I should just accept that things will never be any different.
Because I wonder if I’ll ever get there? I wonder how painful that journey will be and what it will mean for my future. I wonder if I can even survive the journey. I wonder if my career or relationships will endure the journey. I wonder how many mistakes I’ll make along thew way and what it will cost me. I wonder if, when the dust settles, when I’ve put my house in order exactly the way I want it, when I’ve shed the toxicity, fear, and pain that surrounds me.. when who I am and my life is then unrecognizable to my future self….
I wonder if it’ll all be worth it.