The minimum number of times I’ve been sexually or physically abused/assaulted while underage or as an adult. I don’t know why this was on my mind this morning but it was.
1. My cousins inappropriately touching me, likely there’s more there but we’ll put this all under one. I’ll include the weird incident w/ my pediatrician here too.
2. Countless spankings or hitting growing up even when I just wanted to be comforted (don’t know if this counts but I’m putting it here).
3. Internet predator’s sexual advances towards my 14 year old self and even tho I was old enough to technically give consent on my 16th bday I was essentially groomed into it from a young age… so to me, this counts.
4. Physical Abuse from my dad at 15
5. College: A few KU basketball players surrounded me at a party – one of them suddenly shoved me forward and down (I think it was an attempt to force me to my knees) into another player and wanted me to give him a blow job at a party… I was drunk and terrified.
6. My friend who raped me at his apt. Then intimidated me into sex years later.
7. Graduate School: A fellow student came up to me from behind as I was rushing to put the finishing touches on a project final… I was slightly over a desk. He apologized to me first and then slapped my ass hard in front of a bunch of other students. I didn’t have the time to do anything about it…but he got expelled because another male student reported him…
8. Later that year another student from my graduate class slapped my ass in the same way in front of everyone (a throwback/joke) at his house party…
9. My good friend fondling my breasts in the car when I was drunk… a close friend I never ever thought would make that kind of advance towards me. I’m a little sad about it to this day, I know he wanted more but I’m glad he didn’t pursue it.
10. A massage therapist I really liked (male) and came to trust (I saw over a few months) asked if he could massage the top of my chest area one day. Seemed harmless enough and over a few sessions he started massaging lower. Eventually he got a little too handsy over my beasts and I stopped going back after one particular time.. I felt violated.
Edit: I forgot about this one until a few days after writing this post so make it at least 11.
11. NYE and I was newly single. I was dancing with a guy who seemed nice enough when suddenly I felt his hand go up my thigh and into my panties (he essentially fingered me for a second)… I was pretty shocked. My dress wasn’t even that short and it happened so quickly… I was disgusted and he smiled at me creepily as I backed away.
There are probably more and this doesn’t include consensual sexual activity with really bad people who just generally treated me like shit or painful brutal sex that drew blood. I let them take advantage of how broken I was. I’m embarrassed by this, by how I let them to treat me… my body. sigh
You know, I never said anything during the #metoo movement… I never posted anything about assault or even the hashtag. It makes me think that there are probably twice as many women like me who just say nothing… too embarrassed and ashamed to admit what happened. Being a woman in this world is really tough and I worry about my nieces, about all the young women growing up in this world. What will their number be?
With the #meToo movement I just watched from afar… watched all the women speak up…. and nodded to myself quietly.