It’s 4:30 am. Current status: balled up on couch feeling scared. R and I got super lit tonight and I had a true and intense somatic flashback. Do you like my new words?
I moved a lot when I was a kid. But I’d almost completely forgotten certain memories about this house in particular, 1437 Frontier Lane. As I was falling asleep I got some intense memories flooding back. After all it was the last house we were all under one roof together…
I remember my dad yelling so very much as a kid. Sometimes it erupted into hitting (or he’d use his stupid leather belt w/ metal rings) and sometimes it didn’t. But he used to yell at my brothers a ton, particularly Eddie. What he would say… always some kind of disappointment, always telling him he didn’t think things through, making him feel stupid and worthless – destroying his self-esteem. I remember laying in bed listening to him lecture my brother… intensity in the air. I would feel this immense fear… anxiety: why hello there, we’re going to be good friends. That’s what I felt tonight… that impending doom that something bad was going to happen except it was different this time. I was transported to feeling it as I experienced it as a child, which felt far more intense and life threatening. It was like I was back there hearing them argue. In the present, I was actually fascinated by it even though I was feeling it. The weird part is I heard an inner voice say to me, “That’s why I can’t tolerate yelling or raised voices… that’s where it [fear/anxiety] comes from… remember…”
One time when Eddie was much older, he was being berated by my dad verbally, Eddie got so angry he punched a hole in the wall. My other brother would follow suit some day (hey and so did my Ex!). Shit was always getting broken at our house due to men raging. I remember my brother storming out. He only stayed a little longer with us…then he moved out at 16 or 17. After he left, I missed him.
It’s the house my brother J fought back… pushed my dad back when he came at him. He was 13 or 14 at the time. I remember being terrified watching the scene unfold. But J had won.. and I was shocked and a little proud. Not that he would have known, he never paid any attention to me…almost ever.
I’ve mentioned this story before, but I remember this is the house where I realized I couldn’t really trust anyone….where I learned to shut up…for good. By the time I left this house, I had become intensely quiet, I rarely spoke.
This was before my bro moved out. On a Saturday, I was downstairs… mom and my bro’s were in the kitchen. My brother Eddie upset me… his attitude wasn’t great as a teenager but I don’t blame him at all. He had swung open a door or cabinet and it had smacked me in the face a bit as I came around a corner (kinda funny in retrospect lol). But it scared the crap out of me and I got upset. I was some where between 6 and 8 at the time. He got annoyed that I got upset…. which made me further upset because he didn’t apologize, he reacted w/ annoyance to me (like everyone always did). As a kid I was real sensitive and probably did come off as annoying. I was also real bad at expressing emotions, not surprisingly. My mom was on the phone and I begged for her attention to console me… she ignored me. I went upstairs and cried. I wanted her so badly to comfort me and to be honest, it wasn’t even about what happened. I just felt so alone all the time and if my big brother even didn’t give a shit about me, it hurt. I cried harder.
Eventually she got off the phone and came upstairs. I was happy to see her for a moment… until in her frustration, she grabbed a shoe from my closet (so mexican lol) and start hitting me with it. My face went from happy to see her to horror and fear. She swatted my shoulder a few times yelling at me to stop crying and then I ran out of my room. It’s not like it hurt that bad I was more just shocked. But I remember thinking as I ran that no where was safe. My brother Eddie was mad at me, my brother J didn’t give a shit about me, and my dad was home but no idea whether he’d be worse or not.
Do you know what it’s like to not have anywhere safe to go? To want comfort and get punished instead? I hate people. This is the house I learned to shut up, because I was annoying and no one was going to comfort me anyway.
I remember my dad would come home late from work. One time he had lipstick on his collar (classic)…I pointed it out. I remember my mom being so upset. She cooked for him every night. Her demeanor went from normal to sad and upset in one beat. I slid out of the room and listened. They argued but mostly she just was embarrassed, quiet, and sad.
I remember this is the first house my mom ever mentioned divorce. I came home from school one day and she was in her room crying under blankets in bed. “Jess, don’t be upset if we get divorced one day.” I’d never seen her like that.
I made my dad some artwork that alluded to him loving his job. I wanted to make something nice for him but I didn’t know anything about him… except that he spent most of his time working and I rarely interacted with him a this point in my life. I showed him my artwork and he got pissed that I would think that he loved his job. He didn’t acknowledge my art. That’s when I learned making art had no value. Making art was the only thing I felt proud of for myself, and so I learned that I had no value to him. So I stopped sharing my work as much or really investing time in it until I was much older.
I had a ton of frightening recurring dreams at this house. Ones I still remember to this day. Most of which involved me running and being chased or being hurt in some way.
I lost my first pet at this house. My parakeet I named Bluejay. I have a cat named Fox… whats up w/ me naming animals after other animals? lol I made paper tombstone out of construction paper for him haha.
I met my friend Jesi from down the street. I spent a lot of time with her away from this house.
And I spent a lot of time at this house learning about my world. Learning how to hide to avoid feeling scared all the time. Learning how to shut the world out when I couldn’t stomach listening to my brothers getting punished or arguments between mom/dad/brothers etc. Learning all the ways I shouldn’t expect to be supported. Learning to stay out of the way. Learning not to talk; learning to be silent.