I haven’t done a ton of digging into IFS. I still need to read some books recommended by my friends but to be honest every time I start my mind wanders something fierce (e.g. the body keeps the score was a tough read – only got about 20 pages in). I actually think it’s a defense mechanism into digging too much. I think in the past I wouldn’t have seen it that way – I would have just thought it was my typical spacey self day dreaming most of my day away or my charming inability to focus on anything that doesn’t intensely interest me. lol
But I have changed a lot in how I view the inner workings of my brain. It’s still pretty confusing up there but I guess I may have had a bit of an aha! moment just now. I wanted to capture it before it goes….which is honestly the primary reason I continue to journal, so I don’t forget – because I forget a lot of things.
I spend a lot of time in my own head and I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of stuff; good, bad, philosophical, observational, etc. (we all do). But when I move through the world I notice so many things that I can’t possibly process all at once, but want to, so I try to record them with the hopes of analyzing them later. When I’m on my own, I pay attention to environment a lot, atmospheric light, smells, colors (color interactions), small details and large strokes. And for as much as I claim to hate people (I don’t really) I love people watching for all the complex body language which is so interesting to observe from afar. I also enjoy all the unique characteristics humans have – esp the really unique humans who aren’t afraid to be different hehe. I mean, if God does exist, they are surely an artist.
That’s why it’s difficult and exhausting for me to be in a space with too much going on sometimes… too many inputs, can’t capture it all. Thats why I tend to get drunk or high a lot in social settings…. it dulls that part of me that wants to focus on details, on everything, and allows me to be more present. Add into that the voices from different parts and it’s a freaking field day up there.
But I digress. I’ve realized for a while now I sometimes write things down here and I can’t remember what I wrote later. It’s like I’m pulling the thoughts out of my brain and leaving them here. It sounds like a good thing… you’re unburdening yourself! But, I don’t think that’s what it is… I suppose it’s a form of processing to some degree. And that might be a part of it.. it does help to calm me sometimes, but I think the voice that writes here is a Part that doesn’t outwardly interact in the real world very often – if at all. I’d like to say this is my true self, right now. But that’s not who always writes here. Sometimes when I write and I’m upset… its’ a different part – there may be a few posts in the past that really reflect that. But this, me, right now, is kept under lock and key, protected from the world. And I think this version of me should be protected, if there is any good, or kindness, or anything unique about me at all… anything that hasn’t been destroyed or scarred from abuse… it’s all that’s left. This small magical emerald that reflects my inner self. It’s all that’s left and it needs to be protected. And i think that’s why this me, isn’t always aware of all the painful memories and experiences I remember or write about… the system is protecting me from them….
I was really anxious about my session yesterday but by the time I started to drive over I couldn’t remember anything about why I should be anxious or what I wrote over the past week. I knew that it involved some intense emotions but I couldn’t remember what. To me, that’s not unburdening myself.. that’s straight up the system trying to convince us there’s nothing relevant to talk about and that everything is fine.
Someone brought up the I word in group chat. Integration. I think that’s what it is isn’t it? It’s the parts communicating with each other and helping each other deal with the fall out. This me, has been really happy this morning but it’s because she doesn’t remember… or didn’t. I went back and read a few posts this AM and it all came flooding back and my mood started to tank something fierce. I paused… “Jess, this is the part where you sit w/ the emotions and not freak out…it’s okay to feel sad and upset…let it happen. And then help the others out… just like you did last night for your friend.“
Last night one of my friends was panicking. She had disclosed to her husband she was having a lot of suicidal ideation (due to a fragment she’d discovered) and he asked her some questions about if she had a plan or tools and she said her parts had that info locked down. He got upset with her and wanted to be alone. I reminded her all the times she’d told me about how he supported her, helped her clean SH wounds, and really been supportive of her system and exploring her Parts. That he is probably just concerned and frustrated and once he’s had a moment they can try and work it out (he legit sounds like such a supportive husband normally). But I also validated how badly it must hurt (like a god damned knife in the chest) to open up and not be met w/ the kind of support she needed and expected. I reminded her if she was feeling self-harmy that we’re here to talk if needed… or make some angry art… She knows I struggle with SH too, and that I would have likely gone straight to SH in that moment so no judgement if thats the path she takes, but to be careful and that we’re here for trying some other options out…. we ended up exchanging ridiculous cat gifs amongst the three of us for a few hours and it got weird. lol Lots of laughter. : )
I know she likely felt like crap after we all went to bed… probably ruminated for hours… but I hope I helped a little. She’ll be okay, she’s so strong, both of my friends are.
And that… is what this self needs to help my other parts see, isn’t it?