[6 min read] I am trying to keep going. I try really hard every day. I don’t think people realize just how hard, not even my closest friends or family… I don’t even know if my T understands just how insurmountable everything feels. But I wanted to show that I’m trying and maybe to give myself props for it by listing it out. It’s not a gratitude post per se but a reminder and a reality check.
When I’ve been severely depressed in the past I learned some tricks to keep going…
1. Exercise. Even if I can’t do it consistently – consistently enough that it does matter. Endorphins are some of the best medicine around. This includes strength training, running, and soccer. Strength in particular makes me feel more confident and able bodied – like maybe I could have held off my dad and others if I was only stronger.
2. Supplements and meds. I’m still only taking vitamins d + levothyroxine .. probably should add fish oil. The Vit D makes a big difference for me as I’m almost always low (this is checked regularly for me). Maybe I should be taking anti depressants but I don’t. Too scared about all that and seeing yet another doctor (esp male) freaks me out. Still maintaining what I do take is really difficult for me and I’m kinda proud that I have achieved some measure of consistency there.
3. Scheduling copious amounts of social and recreational events. This can get expensive and exhausting but it keeps me grounded and in the present. Without these things I spend way too much time grappling with myself and my own inner emotional centrifuge.
4. Side projects. I have no end to these and come up with new ideas almost daily. I can’t possibly execute on all of them but it means I’m never really bored. Even in dark times – having a project to hyper focus into can lift my spirits… or at least distract me for a time.
5. Visual Media! Video games, books, movies. I have always loved stories and so did my brother. Easiest out of everything on my list to engage and distract me.
6. Music. Listening and playing. Piano really gets me in the zone and my animals all crowd around when I play – makes me feel like some kind of forest elf lol. And of course listening to music I love can have wonderful and powerful effects on my mood.
7. Travel. I wish I could do more of this. Some of my favorite memories with R were when we were on vacation… I think I love him most when we’re away together.
8. Pets!!! My cat Falco has been unusually grounding throughout this whole thing. I’ll be staring into space in bed and he comes up to me and rubs and cuddles and lays on my arm w his paws. It brings me back. All of my pets have their way of doing this for me but weirdly my cat has been unusually good at this. <3
9. Counseling. I hate it and crave it. Don’t even get that but it helps I think. It’s painful and yet is an outlet for my more complex feelings… the feelings I don’t know where to put. I can compartmentalize a lot of things – and have learned to do so quite well, but some stuff lingers and digs into me like a tiny piece of glass stuck in my foot.
10. Career used to be a thing I lived for. I don’t actually give a fuck anymore. lol but since it was something I cared about in the past it’s here.
I’m probably missing some things. But all of this… I leverage all of it to keep going. It’s exhausting at times and people likely just think I’m a really happy person who enjoys all life has to offer! Lol If they only new how hard I’m trying to stay here.. to stay engaged. It doesn’t come naturally to me. There’s a deep deep part that doesn’t care and that recognizes the futility and emptiness of most of it. It’s a deeply nihilistic part that contends with the more fun-loving and kind part. I don’t blame her at all… for feeling that way. There’s a certain truth there. But I promised my T I would keep going…for now… and I don’t want to let R down or… or even parts of myself. And right now all I can do is keep fighting even if it’s hopeless, even if one day I do take my own life… I guess I just want there to be a record that I tried. I tried so damn hard.