[7 min read] It was really nice being in Ts “new” office yesterday. Felt like living in his world a little which felt safe…it’s the same feeling I get from the park we walk in. The smell of that park is particularly unique and I associate that earthy scent to him too haha. It’s comforting in a way. : )
I know I don’t appear comfortable… but I’m glad I have been able to explain a little more about that. The fact that I’m so scared or that I dissociate or shut down is precisely because I’m allowing myself to come in without armor. I’m coming in vulnerable… which is terrifying.
My body and mind fight it terribly – and that’s when I get dizzy and struggle to talk. The inward pull is so very strong. But this past week my mood was embarrassingly erratic – it was painful. And before my session I struggled with who to be… how to present… how to act. I normally try to just go in without thinking about all that..but this time was different.
I think my Parts were desperately fighting for control. I hate it when that happens. It’s like I’ve got a wheel in my brain separated into several slices for each Part and it just keeps spinning and I’m not sure who it’s going to land on. I hate it so much. I have to sort of shut down all my thoughts to keep the wheel from continuing to spin. It’s dizzying and confusing – my thoughts end up jumbled.
But this last sesh… was different. I finally allowed my T to see…. what I’m dealing with a little. To see some of the others. Never in my life have I allowed anyone to see the different aspects of me in such a raw manner. People catch it in real life… they catch glimpses.. it’s unsettling to them but they don’t know why. I complete 180’s in my personality and back in a matter of moments when the context calls for it. I keep it tightly under wraps but it’s typically when I need to go from soft, empathetic and compassionate to stern, direct or clear very quickly. I’ve had professors, colleagues, and ex’s comment on it…
Gone is the kindness, warmth, and joviality of my typical presentation – the one I use to come off as unassuming, submissive, and relatable. It’s replaced by a bright hot fire that burns through my face… my eyes feel like they deaden and pierce through anyone who’s perceived a threat to the system. But there’s more than one part there. There is the armored – the part that is quite literally armor… she questions everything. She is smart, quick-witted and deeply suspicious of the intent or motives of others. Its why she looks so intensely at people… piercing through their surface presentation to try and get a glimpse at what’s really there. She is hyper-vigilant and not afraid to pull the emergency exit at the slightest hint of danger.
And there is the persecutor part…. what I’m beginning to understand as the darkness (or the disrupted I’m not quite sure). She is also somewhat protective of the system but in a way that’s more controlling… she wants power over the system and will berate, punish, and choke the will out of us if we try to challenge her. She is the part of me that is deeply terrifying… she’s the one that I fear the most because her anger is like lightning. It rivals my dad’s intense flashes of rage. She is like ice, without compassion or love, willing to hurt others or us to get what she wants. She stays in control of her anger most of the time… but I fear that’s only because I’ve got the entire system working to keep her tamped down. I think, she is the reason I fear anger as an emotion….. and when I say fear, I mean it. I mean deep soul-crushing fear…like the kind I felt when I thought my dad was going to kill me…. she might be a container of that and other violent or deeply violating experiences – those experiences for which I can’t fully comprehend or understand even to this day.
It’s not all of the parts… there are so many others but those two are the one’s that surprised me on Friday – who showed up along w/ some of the littles…other Parts and myself. When I left my face was flushed w/ heat…. and I was so angry, but I had no idea why. It’s not an emotion I’m particularly accustomed to sitting with…and yet there it was…
As I write this I’m deeply afraid… I’m so scared and yet I don’t feel like anyone can console me or help me because they don’t understand…I’m trapped in here with her and she’s terrifying…it’s like living under my dad’s rule all over again and that’s really scary and weird to acknowledge. I don’t even have the words to describe it.
I don’t know… maybe my T can see a little bit more now….. Maybe he can help protect me from her… one can only hope. So why do I feel so hopeless?
Why am I so broken? Should I just kill myself…rather than exist like this? I’m scared. I’m always scared. 😔