I’m sad today. I actually had a lovely anniversary weekend with Rich. He was really sweet. I was pretty anxious about having sex cause we hadn’t in a while; so one of my parts initiated because i guess we were too nervous to let him be in control. I only have fragmented memories from it – pretty sure it wasn’t me in that experience – or at least not the me typing this now.
I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. Lately I get a little apathetic about parts and DID and how I’m “feeling”. I kind of don’t care. Even though, I was really happy that Rich and I had a heart to heart about my DID over the weekend and that was really nice; today I’m feeling apathetic.
Nothing sounds interesting; not food, not art, not even working out. I haven’t been to workout in over a week because of my brain melting from migraine, cold weather, closing on my brother’s house, fucking up my knee, depression….
I had a long day at work. Anti-depressants fucked my brain pretty hard last week. Lots of suicidal ideation; esp. Sunday night. I sat there w/ the bottle in my hand really wondering if I was going to just say fuck it and go all-in. The urge was like an itch that wouldn’t go away – and inside – they made me feel like they wouldn’t quit bothering me about it until I gave in. That “nothing would make me feel better expect to take more” and completely shut down.
The whole problem was that I felt nothing other than this sense or urgency that I needed to listen. This was different than my normal suicidal ideation in the past. Normally, it takes a long time for me to get to a point where I want to off myself; like I have to be in a lot of pain for a long time with no relief before I get to that point… this wasn’t that. This was fast, came on with the antidepressants, and got weirdly specific and worse I had the means to do some really bad damage. I was lucky in that one of my friends happened to be online and messaged me so I got tied up in a conversation with her.
I wasn’t able to talk to my doctor directly yet but over the weekend she did leave a couple voicemails about tapering off or quitting being okay. But part of me wonders; should I just keep taking it because maybe I just have to get through this horrible period before feeling better? Maybe antidepressants don’t work because it’s an oversimplification of my issues – in other words it’s not as simple as just having low serotonin – because not all parts of me are depressed. And, if I’m being completely honest, another part wants me to keep taking them because it does seem to make me more suicidal and apathetic to the typical nervousness around the idea and that’s what she wants…
Maybe this shit about parts is all made up; maybe I don’t exist. Maybe I shouldn’t exist. Maybe none of it matters. Honestly, I think my poor brain is just exhausted after the long migraine and then antidepressants…. maybe I just need to sleep…. even though I slept for 11 hours last night; I still feel tired.
I don’t know, maybe leaving Rich w/ a beautiful anniversary memory is all I needed. And now I feel suicidal again. yay.
I’m really tired, ya’ll.
***
I wrote this to my T but didn’t send it cause I wanted to maybe not whine to him on valentines.
I know people care. It doesn’t always matter. It’s nice that you think fondly of me but that doesn’t mean much to me. I know it should. It should fill me with warmth and love to know people care and think highly of me. I’m actually not sure why it doesn’t. Hm, this is the part where Shannon would say.. “Trauma.” lol.
But I guess because deep down I feel like – well of course they would. I bend over backwards for people, offer non-judgmental emotional support, and make them feel good about themselves and randomly shower them with compliments. Not to say that I’m being insincere; I try not to lie to people – I just know – what I’m supposed to do and say to make people feel good about themselves. It’s pretty easy honestly; it doesn’t take much; and I want my friends to be happy.
But… none of that really makes me feel connected – it makes me feel sorta good sometimes fleetingly; but mostly I do it for them because others deserve to be happy and content and feel loved and valued even if I am incapable of it.
Today I struggled a lot. Had a busy day where I didn’t have any time to really think or break so when i got off work… I sank. This was one of those days where I could feel the apocalyptic level battle going on inside my head. One side telling me – fuck it – we’re too tired just fucking give up already you deserve to rest. And the other side saying no; just hold on, you’d make so many people sad – suicide is stupid – you’ll die soon enough, might as well live.
But damn; it has been hard today. So hard not to just give up; I am crawling my way forward this week. This past year – but I’m exhausted. When will it end? I’m just so very tired. I don’t want to do anything anymore. I just want to give up. oh fuck. i think i might kill myself. i’m pretty sure this is the antidepressants amplifying my depressive part – but its my fault for taking them in the first place. I think this is what a part wanted anyway. we just want it to be over.
I’m going to do my best not to listen to these urges and in all likelihood I’ll wake up tomorrow just fine. But I am going to go get severely fucked up so maybe I can sleep and not do anything dumb. Or maybe I’ll go too far and never wake up at all? Wouldn’t that be nice?
***
I tested the waters tonight. Took more things than I needed. I know it won’t kill me.. I just wanted to know what it might feel like. I’m getting bolder. I should ask for help huh? I don’t want to. Part of me does part of me doesn’t. No one has the time anyway. I wonder how fucked up I’ll be tomororw. I hope a lot. I hope I feel nothing and can finally be decisive. I know it sounds bad. I don’t care. No one who reads this, if anyone reads this, will do anything anyway.
It’s all fine. It’s all just fine.