I wanted to document my experience with the anti-depressant Fluvoxamine (25mg lowest dose btw) because I’m not very good at remembering stuff and because I don’t actually know what’s normal or not. It’s why I’m always hesitant to tell doctors about my anxiety/depression – but i was trying to be open. Fluvoxamine is prescribed for OCD, anxiety and depression; but the doc. (who is a resident and still in training btw) said I might do okay on it. I want to stress that I’ve tried anti-depressants in the past and they’ve not made me feel great – agitated and crazy feeling – even after a month of consistently taking them.
Day 1 – Tuesday (2/8):
It might be relevant or not but I had a really long migraine episode that finally resolved after I saw urgent care and my chiropractor in one day. I had received an injection of Tramadol earlier that day and I had been sent home with an rx for a barbiturate cocktail (butalbital + acetaminophen + caffeine). I took one later that evening as some of my pain had returned and it did the trick – I was finally feeling good after a week of consistent pain, stress, and anxiety.
I had actually been given my rx for Fluvoxamine about a week and a half earlier but had been too afraid to take it because my reaction to the hyrdoxyzine she prescribed me was so intense (I could barely keep my eyes open on one full pill – I couldn’t wake up – it was scary). That was supposed to be a ‘backup’ drug in case I had a reaction that led to me feeling really agitated. The doc mentioned taking fluvoxamine in the evening because it could also make me drowsy. I took it at midnight right before bed.
Day 2 – Wednesday (2/9):
I woke up feeling okay around 830; but by 930-10am I noticed I felt a little high. I felt dizzy and woozy and noticed feeling sleepy. My thoughts were slightly out of order – but tolerable. I thought, maybe this is just a day one reaction. I had back-to-back meetings but by the afternoon I was exhausted. I passed out in my bed at about 2pm and slept for a few hours. By the evening I was feeling mostly okay – just slow. I noticed I didn’t feel the consistent low-level anxiety I normally do, but that I just felt… out of it. I felt nothing. At most, just kind of sad. I took my second dose at around 1am that night.
Day 3 – Thursday (2/10):
I woke up the same way. Except it felt more intense. I worked in the dining room this day and I remember hearing my inner thoughts talk to me about over-dosing. About serotonin syndrome and how I could induce it with what I had on hand. About how easy it would be to just take more of the pills and my migraine meds and let what happens – happen. About how no one would suspect it was suicide, just an accidental overdose… so you wouldn’t be blamed or hated for committing suicide. I felt pretty zombie-like and I kept dissociating – hard. Not in the way i’m used to… but deep dissociation where I would get lost and be confused when I came out of it. I don’t remember hearing voices this intensely either with my normal dissociation. I kept passing out on the sofa all afternoon until I had to leave the house to go close on my brother’s house. To be honest, I didn’t feel super safe driving, but it had to be done.
I showed up to the closing and it was really hard to concentrate. A few hours later, I showed up completely dazed to therapy. I felt nothing. I struggled to think clearly. A friend mentioned trying to take it earlier to see if it made it so I was less fucked up during the work day. I took my dose slightly earlier at around 9pm.
Day 4 – Friday (2/11):
I woke up super dazed. I had a few meetings but after that I was getting really confused. I had a headache and was starting to feel anxious and extremely nauseas and my vision was weirdly blurry. Also ringing in my ears off and on but not sure if that’s related. So I took my blood pressure and it read 150/90 – which is pretty high. My thoughts were intensely jumbled and I was starting to get concerned because the voice that was telling me to OD was stronger – and for a moment – I felt motivated enough to act on it.
I emailed my therapist to let him know because he said to reach out if I felt suicidal. It’s weird w/ DID because it doesn’t always feel like me who’s suicidal, it feels like some other part of me telling me to do harmful things to myself. He advised me to call my doc but I had to finish work and by the time I finished I completely passed out for a couple hours. I spoke to my friend a little who also said this didn’t seem normal and so I finally called my doc and left a message. I decided maybe to try taking my next dose a little later and giving my brain a break. So I didn’t take anything that night.
Day 5 – Saturday (2/12):
I woke up really happy and feeling good. I felt, weirdly hopeful and excited. I got a message left on my phone by my doc who said I could wean off at 1/2 a pill over 4-5 days. But I think she was assuming I had been taking it for two weeks at this point and I’d only been taking it for three days. So, I just wasn’t sure what to do. I decided to try 1/2 a pill in the afternoon. So I took 1/2 at 2pm. That evening, by around 530-630 I could feel my mood slipping into sadness and depression. But I was out with Rich and didn’t want him to pick up on it so I maintained being happy enough. Later we watched a jazz show and I was dissociating really really hard – lot of intrusive visuals and thoughts from one of my parts. I wasn’t in the room at all and only bounced back when Rich would say something to me or between sets. We had a few drinks and by that evening I was feeling extremely depressed. I laid on the floor and wrote an email and then napped for a bit. I wrote to my therapist again just to let him know what was going on.
Day 6 – Sunday (2/12):
I woke up pretty sad and emotional after a rough night of sleep and vivid dreams. Doc left a message while I was visiting a friend. I actually wanted to catch the call from my doctor but I apparently left my phone on silent last night. She said if I wanted to stop I could, but that she’d try one more time tomorrow to catch up with me. I also read that the first 1-9 days of anti-depressants is sometimes hard for people but that things improve after that. And, I don’t want to just give up if maybe it’ll level off – I will say I feel far less anxiety – but that’s cause I feel a lot less of everything – except depression. That seems to increase. 1/2 a pill seems easier to tolerate so I took a 1/2 at 2pm today.
I do feel quite a bit more depressed since taking it and yet feel like nothing at the same time. My heart rate feels elevated (I just looked it’s at 87 bpm) when normally I am at around 65 or less when I’m just sitting here. I feel anxious and sleepy and like I want to cry for no reason other than feeling sad. Maybe I should stop? I will see if I can talk to my doctor tomorrow AM and see what she says and go from there. Otherwise, wish me luck – because right now I just feel so fucking sad and kinda like I want to die (but don’t worry, I won’t act on it – just really low mood).
4:05PM Feel flat. Feel nothing. Creativity doesn’t exist in this grey world.
5:30pm Feeling like ODing again. Kind of scared. This is how I felt before cutting into myself badly that one time. Reaching out to crises text line to see if any help.
6:30PM Talked to crises line for a bit. They were kinda useless. My friend happened to be online. Got lucky because I had the bottle in front of me… I was seriously considering giving in to the voice.. the urge to self harm. But instead I was able to come clean with how suicidal I was feeling. It helped. I likely need to toss this bottle in the trash. I probably should….