So much anxiety. This time I was playing hide and seek in my old house. I was playing with my brother Juan. Suddenly I was small.. and I was hiding from my dad. I was so fucking scared he would find me.. I could hear his footsteps coming closer and checking in my room. He didn’t find me. His footsteps were slow and heavy. And as he came into the my folks room (where I was crouching behind a dresser) I knew he would see my foot out from behind the dresser but I couldn’t scrunch up anymore. The anticipation/anxiety in the dream started to send my heart rate through the roof. I woke up just as he discovered me with his scowling face…
I feel like shit. Had a migraine before bed – stomach still hurts a little. Now amped with anxiety. I feel like I’m getting enough sleep hours…. but I’m still tired everyday. Maybe it’s the dreaming. They say antidepressants can cause vivid dreams. Maybe that’s what’s happening.. and of course someone with PTSD gets all the fun dreams. And I get to keep waking up at 3am for some ungodly reason. I hate everything. Why is there never any rest for me? Why is it always something… I just want to feel normal. Silly me.. why woud you think that would ever be the case?
***
I tried to go back to sleep. The next dream I had was of being inside a school and not knowing which class I’m supposed to be in.. a pretty classic type dream. Except.. for some reason the school counselors realized there was something wrong with me and required that I go to the gym to be assessed w/ other people like me. So I did and suddenly I was being asked all sorts of questions, poked and prodded, and put in a uniform sort of like scrubs. They were telling me the kind of treatment plan I was going to be going through which sounded really restrictive – I started to panic.
So before things got too far, I snuck out. The next part I can’t tell if it’s related or not. I took my car and drove away from the school still in that weird uniform and sandals. It was raining out and my feet were cold. I decided to pull into a simple pharmacy/retail shop that was also connected to a larger mall. I remember dodging the people in here trying to make sure no one really noticed me. I couldn’t find quite what I was looking for so I decided to go into the larger mall area.
I think i’ve seen this exact same mall in other dreams. It’s not a real mall just the way It’s put together is the same as in a dream a long fucking time ago. I think I met up with a friend, someone I knew… who may even have been my mom. We were walking around this big mostly empty mall and looking for shoes. Because it was raining/storming I wanted close toed shoes for the rest of my journey… how sensible. We went into a weird ice cream/chocolate shop that also weirdly had a private event going on in the back where they were demo-ing/selling shoes. We realized we weren’t supposed to be there so we left and tried to find a shoe store but couldn’t. We came back to that store and the private event was over.. the mall was closing soon. The lady who we’d talked to earlier (told us it was a private event) asked if we wanted the last bit of wine so we said yes and sat down and drank it. There was weirdly a tiny frog in mine… I pulled it out and put it in it’s own container and we both finished our wine… I think that’s where this dream ended. The feeling was amusing and light.
***
The last dream I had was short and gross and unsettling. I smelled something weird in our kitchen and I urged Rich to move the fridge and sure enough there were like maggots and weird long wormy/centipede things. I kept telling him to quickly clean the up as i was freaking out. I fucking hate worms of any kind. I like snakes, spiders, insects are fine… i do not like worms. Give me the creeps.. so of course in this dream i’m freaking out because Rich is for some reason taking FOREVER hahaha.. and then they start scattering… and they’re gone so now they’re all over the kitchen but we can’t see them. I”m so terrified one is going to get on me and of course I suddenly feel something weird in my mouth and it’s a fucking maggot – i spit it out… and wake up from the dream terrified and disgusted. FML.