Memories from that time period are coming back. I was probably 14 when we met. Maybe even 13. The weird thing is… I’m processing a lot of these memories suddenly. It’s making me dizzy again. Since I got introduced to Matrix i feel like I’ve been on and off dizzy.
I guess I’m struggling to understand what that relationship was. What did it mean? Was it bad of me to engage? I have always felt completely complicit in it… that I sought him out as much as he sought me out. But just now.. someone said I was groomed by a man triple my age and that it was CSA. It was a hard pill to swallow. Was it? Why haven’t I ever felt that way? I do remember that when I left for college I remember trying my best to forget it ever happened.. until little by little I did. Now all of a sudden a lot of it is coming back.
It’s bizarre. I can remember the feelings I had when I was “dating” him. The attention. The hole it filled in my heart because of how lonely I had always felt. I had no one to talk to, I was too afraid to talk to anyone about my home life. I never said a word to my high school friends about my dad – or any of the abuse. Why don’t … why cant…. must have been summer.
I remember the way he looked. He had really thick glasses, and longish hair. He smelled like patchouli. In fact… everything he ever mailed to me smelled like that. I remember the drawings. All the drawings. I remember him telling me that he was drawing us together… and he sent me these extremely explicit drawings of us… pornographic really when I was 14/15.
I was shocked by how realistic they were. My brother Eddie found them… whole story to that… he called me and confronted me and tried to protect me. I was terrified and I told him, the drawings were from some boy at school who was stalking me. That he’s stopped since then. I begged him not to tell my parents. Reluctantly he said yes so long as it wasn’t a problem anymore. And….he never did tell my parents. He died with that secret.
That guy wanted to marry me. He taught me how to masturbate for the first time… and then we had lots and lots of phone sex. I was.. not even 16 yet. This was when i was 14/15. And when I think about it now I still don’t feel anything except feeling… wanted… desired… loved. But then I see it from my perspective now… and it is… not that. Or is it? If you told me a 42 y/o was dating a 14 year old… so very inappropriate. Grooming her for sex. Yeah that is CSA.
Why do i feel emotional about this? Like bad… like i did something wrong… or that i’m just now realize how victimized i was by the whole experience. That once again… proof that no one ever fucking looked out for me. And when my parents finally got pissed off at how much time i spent online…. and demanded that i stop.. that’s when i got angry, thats when i challenged my dad… and that’s when he beat the ever loving crap out of me.
No, I wasn’t cared for…wasn’t told that it was okay that it’s not my fault… and then maybe my parents would have gently explained the situation. No.. I got upset… and then I got beat because of it. I was taken advantage of and conflicted and the response to my feelings…was to abuse me further.
Why did no one ever look out for me? I don’t want anyone to anymore. I don’t want anyone. Please everyone just … go… away and leave me alone. People who care about you only hurt you in the end. There’s no reason to trust anyone. This is what is driving me to want to get out. To run. not to trust. i trusted so many who in the end just took advantage of me. you’re going to do that too aren’t you? they all do.
but part of it is my fault.
it’s like i go looking for it. baiting. to see if they will take the bait and abuse me like i was when i was a child. because even though it happened… at least i was wanted. at least i felt loved. worth… something.
When I had sex for the first time he complained about me not feeling like a virgin. He complained about me being too quiet during sex. He got sweaty easily and he was dripping sweat during sex and dripped on my face and I remember thinking it was gross. I don’t remember how it felt though. I just remember being there… logically but not… physically.
I remember driving around with him. I remember driving to the hotel.
I want to run away remembering this…
What did this do to me? If anything? Maybe it didn’t do anything to me. Maybe it’s all fine. Maybe none of it matters.
Well…does it matter to you?
Yes…because it’s more evidence of how little anyone in my life cared about me. More evidence of how everyone is just a fucking predator out to get me. More evidence of how pathetically desperate I was. I hate myself remembering all of this…. it was my fault for being an idiot. Nothing happened though?
Not like it matters.. you were basically already raped as a child. He was right. You weren’t a virgin. lolololololol
Maybe i’m just now starting to understand all of it and it’s tripping me up … the story of my life is sort of coming together and it’s making me nauseous. Man.. why the fuck was i even born. I was made to be used… that’s why. You might as well accept your fate. Although no one wants you now. You’re too old and used up. So… not even worth sex anymore.
I’m here. In my house… I’m not there. I’m here. I’m an adult.. and loved…and nope. Still there. still feeling it. Still feeling like no one.. is…. safe.
Why do I suddenly have the urge to have someone have brutal sex with me? hahaha Like violent sex. Like use me… and toss me aside like the piece of trash i am sex? hahahaha
WTF is wrong w/ me. Why do I even bother? Don’t bug him… he doesn’t need to know any of this. Just run away.. run away… run away…. run away………. you’ll only ever be safe if you don’t. trust. anyone.