I was doing some research on EMDR. I watched a few videos. I heard the practitioner talk about target memories. And I thought… what would I pick if I could pick something? The practioner also asked the client to think about an image that represented the event. Then a negative belief about the event. They did some edmr while the client imagined the event unfolding.. that image.. and just noticed what was going on in their body. Taking some deep breathes every maybe 2-3 minutes. Eventually they shifted to positive beliefs and recounting the image.. and rinse and repeat. Going deeper and deeper if there were still negative feelings until the client could do a body scan and feel clear.
I’ll be honest. I tried to do this. I picked the incident with my dad. Me.. this me… can only feel fear. But I know there is great anger there… but I can’t feel it… because it’s locked up. It’s associated w/ Darkness. She’s the one that holds all the angry feelings.. So I could imagine here there with me… but it was like hearing someone else go through EMDR while I just listened… it was so strange. and I’m not sure it works like that. The one thing I did get from all this.. is that I have some pretty crazy negative beliefs i’ve held about all these events. I found that the first thing that came to mind with that particular memory… literally just popped in without thinking.. was that i deserved to die. It shocked me to hear that. : (
Here are the top contenders:
Dad Brutally Beating me:
Negative Belief: I deserve to die. I deserve to be abused. Positive: I deserve to live. I deserve to be cared for.
Raped by a Friend
-Negative I only exist for sex – I should be used. I am worthless as a person. Positive: I am more than what he made me. He is the abuser and I deserved better than that. I am worthy without sex. I am worthy because I am a person not because of my female body. I am having a really hard time with this one.
Taken advantage of sexually when I was a child.
Negative: People only like me because of my sex. Boys only like me because of what i can offer them sexually. Positive: I don’t know.
Listening to my dad abuse my brothers
Negative: Why can’t I ever do anything to stop him? Why am I so weak? is this my fault? Positive: I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be protected. I deserve to be loved .. the right way. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
My brothers’ death
Negative: You failed him. You should have been there for him but you never cared did you? You didn’t do enough. you could have done more. You are a horrible person and you deserved to die…not him. It’s partially your fault – you don’t deserve to live.
Positive: I do deserve to live. It was not my fault. You loved him.
General Inability to trust people?
I don’t know if these are useful… but there’s probably something there to work with huh? Interesting exercise none the less.. it was really really hard to write positive affirmations refuting these negative thoughts… I’m still having trouble there. Maybe.. ben can help me with these iunno.